Daddy's Girl

I am listening to "Shoho Love Song" by Bill Mays Trio on their album Going Home .

There is something to revere about listening to smooth jazz. You have to appreciate the musicians who create such beautiful stories in which no words are hardly ever spoken. This is simply pure talent of artist ability and skill.

Jazz music reminds me of epic love scenes in movies...you know the scene where the guy and the girl share a moment on the dance floor /love scene...or even when there seems to be a flashback of a memory between the two. This music also reminds me of my first love and the only love that I have other than my son, which is pure in its rarest form because that is how God created it to be. This love is the natural example in which I hold dearly within the walls of my heart because it serves as a reminder about the love between me and my God. The only love a daughter shares which can never be replaced even after marriage is that of her fathers. My dad was and is a music lover. I remember he would have records on top of records...which changed to cds on top of cds of music. He had all types of music, except for country I think! I remember as a little girl sitting with him, watching him arrange his music in a library all while listening to jazz. He use to clean the house with jazz playing and that has stuck with me ever since..heck I even do it this day. When I clean my house it also serves as a spiritual cleaning in a form of worship. It's hard to explain but I love when I can have a whole day to myself and just play music and clean up my house...because God usually has ALOT to say to me about my spiritual life as well as my natural home.

If you know me then you may know part of my story about how I was raised (but I will share that for another post). I was blessed to have a father who did not care about genetics, or skin color, or facial features, or last names. He loved me for me and he has always treated me as his own. He is the only man I knew as my dad until later on in life when a harsh reality set in. He is the man I grew up loving more and more because despite the slap in the faces and the discomfort of having to take a step back...he never allowed our relationship to fall apart. He is and will forever be my daddy. I will forever be his first born!

Lately I have been feeling a little lonely and I realized how much I missed my dad. See you have to know that my dad is the down to earth type of guy. He loves his family and enjoys spending time with them. Growing up my dad took us on adventures...and some of my best memories as a kid involved my daddy taking us to amusement parks, going swimming, road trips to visit family, hanging out at grandma's house with the other 2000 cousins, and so much more. Although his relationship with my mom did not last long, he never allowed that to interfere with what he and I shared. I enjoyed summer vacations to Ohio because it allowed me to spend time with my dad and just get away from Texas for a while. I remember in the 3rd grade we moved to Atlanta with my dad and I did not want to come back to Texas. I remember getting in trouble because a girl wrote "f--k u" on my hand in a permanent marker and I could not get it off. I remember getting in a fight with a boy during recess and having to serve ISS. I remember the birthday party he and my aunt had in which the kids had to stay upstairs. I remember the bunk beds my sister and I had and me on the top bunk just day dreaming! I remember the conversations my older cousin Chelle had on the phone with her boyfriend Damien lol. I remember how she and her friends use to dress like Salt n Pepper with the "mushroom" haircuts and big earrings. I remember the good times and even some of the bad ones...like when my cousin died in his dorm room from an asthma attack or when my great aunt past away and we all had to attend the funeral. Through it all...I remember my daddy being right there by myside and in the near future he will be right there by myside as I embrace the next level of life.

I owe a lot of who I am today because of my dad. Despite not making some of the best choices in life...he took care of me and my three younger sisters. Today he is a full time student going back to obtain his college degree. I love it! I can do nothing but respect the man he is today and the woman he helped raise me to be. I battled for the past couple of years how to balance life with two dads. How do I handle situations where one is not offended by the other one? Finally I stopped stressing about it and I realized that my relationships with both dads are different and for various reasons.

Today I called my dad just to talk to him. I love how easy it is to talk to him...heck it always has been. Even when I was growing up I could call and talk to him for hours. (This is the same with my relationship with God...I can sit and talk to him for hours and it is easy!) What I loved most about him was that he always remained a parent but he would listen as a friend. That was huge for me because at times it seemed my mom wouldn't listen and my other dad was not available to listen. My dad would listen and allow me to vent then he would give me his take on the situation which always included sound wisdom leading to a lecture about how I was wrong in the way I handled a situation. ( I never realized it until now that God was showing me in a natural what it was like with him in the spiritual....give me a minute for my praise break............................OK I'm back!) It was easy to listen to him and take correction because I knew it came from the heart. (Similar to when I do something that does not please God...I can come and repent and he still loves me even when he has to correct me!) He did not say things out of pure anger or bitterness. He did not yell as much as my mom would..but he still managed to get his point across. I love my dad but I also knew not to cross him. The last beating I took from him was almost 20 years ago...heck I learned at an early age what the other side of that belt felt like! lol

In our conversation he asked me if I a boyfriend. I told him no...not at this time because I need to finish with school so that I can have time to spend with that person. He then went on to tell me that I was like my mom...well he called me her #2. He said I was "too independent" and that would never work with a man! (Where have I heard this before? Oh yea that book I am reading) He said that although it is good to be independent in some things I cannot do it in everything and I cannot want a man just to pamper me or cuddle with me when I felt like it! He basically told me that if I did not want to end up single forever then there were some things I needed to change about myself or else I would never be in a happy relationship. He also talked to me about how people change AFTER they say their I Do's. I almost felt like this was a set up of some sort. I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues as it relates to the woman I was raised to be by my single parent mother...and the woman I desire to be based on how God has transformed my life.

At times in the past I could be very strong willed and even uncompromising. But when this occured I was not always  aware of how it affected the person in the relationship with me because 9 times out of 10 they never mentioned it or I simply did not pick up on it. As my dad said to me tonight...I need a man who is going to be a man and not allow me to walk all over him. Sadly I have had a few in which this has happened and well...they are no longer around and I am still single! I am not happy about the woman I was in the past and I refuse for anyone to hold her against me today. If a person is not around the Natalie of 2011 and they are focused on the chick I was back in the day (even last year) then I have to bid them farewell and move around.

I have admitted the errors of my ways to myself and to my God. There were a few past boyfriends I had to even apologize to because they were really great guys and I allowed my pain from a childhood nightmare to affect how I related to them and that simply was not fair. I have noticed that a lot of people are not around to see the woman I am today and the changes happening within me everyday. My prayer is not to be accepted by others, because what they think does not matter. My prayer is to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, etc that God has created me to be.

I owe this post to my heavenly father and my natural father. Both have served as a reminder that blood has nothing to do with identity. What I look like is based on who I am raised by. I have seen a lot of men raise children whom they did not conceive, yet those children look JUST like them. That is me...as it relates to my dad here on earth and my daddy in the heavens watching over me every single day and every single moment. This is my Father's Day Shout Out to them both because without them I would not be who I am right now at this exact moment. So I ask...who do you look like?

Be blessed!

My Daddy!

Conversations

I have been reading this book titled The Conversation by Hill Harper and I must say that I cannot put this book down. I almost feel bad because there have been nights where I picked up this book before I cracked open one of the nine books I have for my graduate studies...but oh well. What is interesting about this book is how I acquired the book and what it is saying to me right now in my life.

See a great friend of mine (whom shall remain nameless) thought of me when she went to pick it up from a bookstore. Now I believe God does things strategically, so I will digress in assuming it was all a coincidence on how it came into my possession. The other part that blows my mind is the fact of when I received the book...both the timing and the location was incredible. See I had recently had a deep conversation with this same friend and over the weekend so many things became clear for the two of us. We realized we were more alike than we had ever known. It was a blessing to sit there and share our thoughts and unleash our hearts to each other, without worrying about being judged or ridiculed for how we felt. During the same conversation I had with her, an old schoolmate and I had a very transparent chat online. I was simply amazed at how similar our lives had been and blessed at how God had transformed their life in such a beautiful way. Growing up you never really know what takes place in someones personal life. We see the outside but we never have a clue of what is taking place on the inside.

I remember growing up with this person and always admired how outgoing they were and not really afraid to be bold and different. Although I was outgoing I did not have the self esteem to be truthful to whom I was created to be. At times I would hide what I was feeling out of fear of being judged and misunderstood. Never would I imagine that at the time there were others in my classes going through the same pain I was when it came to our parents. I see only a glimpse of the person they have become and I have nothing but respect for them and the God they serve. What is beautiful is how much our conversation blessed me and helped me address old wounds that have yet to heal within myself. As random as the conversation was it simply allowed me to open up as well as be a listening tool for someone else. What I adore about the Holy Spirit is how well he moves in and out of our lives and how he will draw us to others who are able to help us without really knowing it.

I am learning so much about myself. As I look into the mirror I can no longer see the woman I was 10 years ago let alone even last year. When I look at myself inwardly I cannot help but to wonder what I will look like 10 years from now when I am 39 years old. How long will I have been married? How many children did I decide to have with my husband? What does our home look like (not just our house)? Where did the ministry take us? How many lives were changed because God decided to use us? What will my children look like? Where would my oldest be (college)? Are we well off or has God simply blown our mind? This is only a small piece of what goes on in my mind daily.

It is not a secret that I think and dream big...I always have. I remember when I was younger I would watch MTV Cribs with my friends and I would say..."one day my house would be bigger than that, but I don't need the entire world to see it". I want more because I feel no one in my family has ever reached the level in which I aim for. I want to be the example for my children and even other family members. I want to be the one who can have conversations with my children and their spouses and share the wisdom God has given me and my husband to pass down to them. Like I said before I want to be the first in my immediate family to celebrate 50 years of marriage to the same man. There is no limit to where God is about to take me. I have stopped trying to tell God what I WANT him to look like and what I WANT him to do...I just trust God will send me what I need wrapped in what I want! (Thanks Pastor Ross).

After that conversation with both individuals I have come to accept the fact that whoever he is...he is closer than ever. I am not sure if he is simply waiting on a GO from God to approach me or if he is simply watching and observing me just as Boaz did with Ruth in the fields. All I know is this...I am so looking forward to our late night conversations and the friendship he and I will build together. I am looking forward to being that listening ear and that shoulder he can lean on. I am going in with the mindset of how can I serve him and not just what can he do for me. God is preparing me like never before and I am loving every minute of it. The waiting is hard at times (especially when you attend so many weddings on a single RSVP) but I know that this thing has to cook a little bit longer because of the magnitude of its power. I get why God said..."not now Natalie...just hold on a little while longer!"