You Can Make It

Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself and who I thought I wanted to be.  

Somewhere along the way, a door was shut in my face and I never bounced back from the rejection I felt and the pain that digested in my soul which generated a sickening feeling of defeat. 

Somewhere along the way, I blamed God for allowing such things to happen and making me feel like my life was now stagnate and I that maybe I will just stop trying until I heard back from him that it was OK to proceed. 

Somewhere along the way, depression and stress moved into my peaceful place and began to cause chaos in my life, sending me spiraling down into a deep dark place. 

Somewhere along the way, I became a walking breathing dead thing internally. I simply went through the motions of my daily routine and never really adjusted to the world around me. 

Somewhere along the way, I lost all hope and faith in my purpose and why I was even placed on this Earth in the first place. 

Rejection can be a killer of dreams, goals and perseverance. I did not understand the purpose of rejection even in my youth. I believed that based on how I entered the world and the circumstances I had to endure, I've served my time of set backs and failures. But...apparently life really doesn't care about your "woe is me" tunes. 

Life said to me before I was born that I was going to enter this world as a product of a messy situation. Life said to me that I was going to grow up in a place that would not yield to me the honor of living with my father or even being able to be held in his arms on my day of arrival. Life said to me that I would be the outcast, the baby Moses or the Joseph or the David of my family, rejected by society and hidden for a purpose. 

I never was a stand out child. I was shy when I was younger. I did not speak much and I really did not trust many people. As an adult, that concept of me is hard to believe now. As an adult I have found my voice and my identity.  I heard one distinct voice speak directly to my spirit 14 years ago. A voice that said For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. A voice that made a sharpened knife go dull. A voice that closed up my throat so the pills would not go down. A voice that entered my bedroom when I knew I was home alone. A voice that said Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

See when family and friends and ex-lovers rejected me, I thought there was no point to life. I thought there was no purpose for me to be in this world if I had to be here all alone. The moment I was at my absolute lowest point, is when Christ entered my life and told me as clear as day that he paid the ultimate sacrifice of death so that I no longer had to. He reminded me that For God so loved the world (ME) that he gave his one and only Son (Christ) that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. At that moment he made me understand that my life had an eternal purpose and I had no business trying to end it prematurely because Christ has suffered for me and took on my burdens and all of my pains. 

For someone reading this...you are at the same place I was at, 14 years ago. The Holy Spirit within me had me share my testimony with you, to let you know that you are not alone. No matter how bad life looks right now...know that God has a plan for your life. Know that he will never leave you nor forsake you. Know that God loves you so much, he already had someone die in your place and that in him you too can have a hope and a future. 

I encourage you to just give God all of your cares, all of your issues and all of your rejection. I pray that you understand this is not the end of the road for you. Trust me I know what it feels like to be alone physically, mentally and emotionally...but there is a power stronger than your situation that will help you out of this mess. If God can pull me out of depression and a state of darkness then he can do the same for you. 

Please don't give up. If you do...then who will learn about all of your greatness you have yet to share with the world? How will your ideas and purpose help someone else who shares your same pain? You are a blessing and your life is important to me and so many others. You just don't know it yet.

Don't give up! 

Many blessings.

- Miss Natalie 

I'm Back...

For years I have put off my writing because I felt it just wasn't good enough. I thought no one would ever read my thoughts or what's in my heart so I just gave up...well actually I just didn't give much attention to the gift that was given to me so long ago.

Why do we fear the unexpected? Is it because we can't control what is on the other side of the unknown? Is it because we simply don't believe in ourselves enough to push through the doubts and adversity? Or is it because deep down we know that stepping out on faith in order to walk into our destiny is by far the hardest and scariest thing we have ever had to do? For me, it's been all of the above.

See, I knew a long time ago that I had a unique gift with words and expression. I knew that my words had power at a very young age, even when the enemy tried to shut my voice down and even tried to evoke fear into my spirit by making me think that no one would ever listen or believe me. As I grew up I still had an issue with being verbally understood and it seemed that I was more comfortable sharing my heart on pen and paper and it was more receptive then my verbal attempts to communicate with people. So...I began to write. I wrote letters to my friends, my parents and my grandparents on the things I had seen, felt, endured, etc. and how those individuals in my life at the time drastically contributed to those feelings. I wrote in multiple journals to God about the various things I encountered and how to deal with those things His way and not my own. I began writing on social media platforms as a way to share my thoughts and the wisdom that was exploding out of me. I did all of these things and the more comfortable I became the more hell broke loose around me and I stopped. Point blank!

There are no excuses for pushing what I absolutely love to do to the side and leaving the gift I was given on a shelf to rot. I may never be able to reach millions of people with my verbal communication, but I can with my written communication. I was recently reminded on a conference call that it is selfish of me not to share what's inside of me because I have no clue the people who need to read what I have to say. Talk about a slap back into reality. The speaker was correct and for the first time in a long time I was reminded about why I was put on this earth and my contribution to the world. I was reminded that by harboring my thoughts and my gift I was doing a disservice to the One who blessed me with such a tremendous gift and that thought along was unbearable. This was a very tough pill to swallow, but I had to own my mess and clean it up.

It has been over a year since I have written on this blog but I promise you it will not be the last. I can no longer make excuses for myself or procrastinate any further about the things I must share with millions around the world. Thank you to those who believed in me and to those who doubted me. Thank you to those who have prayed with me and to those who have spoken life back into a dead situation. Thank you for your love and support.

Miss Natalie is back!

Goodbye Letter

Dear Gone Forever...

Please do not be upset that our journey has come to an end. Please do not allow bitterness and hatred to settle due to the different directions which have been set before us. Our journey has reached the finish line of its course and the road to the future only allows for one to take this path into the promises in which God has ordained. I understand that what you envisioned is not what became a reality; however ,I humbly  ask that you take your agenda back to the Creator and make sure your assignment was made clear. See what God has for me is for me. What God has called me to is only for me and those whom I am suppose to bless in the process of my assignment. I accepted the fate of this calling and I said YES with an open and honest heart. I had no clue what was in store for me but I did agree to allow God to cut whatever foreskin He saw fit to remove,  in order for me to become acceptable in His sight. No worries! No second guessing! No doubts! No fears! I will walk this thing out and allow God to continue to "WOW" me every step along the way. So do not be angry  with me because your ride on this journey has come to an end. Please do not hold bitterness within your soul because of the obstacles that stood before us. God is simply taking us in different directions and unfortunately you no longer have a space in my future nor do I in yours. There are no hard feelings from my end. Actually there is peace and security to know that this release needed to happen and at this exact moment.

I wish the best for you and all that God is calling you to do. I wish nothing but pure bliss , happiness and success in your future. May God continue to guide your every step in the direction of His appointed glory. May God grant you peace of mind in all of your endeavors.

Signed,

Free to be released

Which Way Do I Go?

At this moment in my life I am standing at a crossroad.

To the left I see myself walking away, wondering if all that I heard was merely my imagination playing cruel tricks on me. Wondering if this was all a mistake and if this was simply my flesh desiring to have a piece of reality in which did not truthfully belong to me.

To the right I see myself running after the promise. Running after the thing God said I could have but I can't see it clearly, I only hear its footsteps as I gain closer access to it. Almost there...almost got...almost in arms reach!

This crossroad is a confusing place to be in. There is no clear passage which looks ultimately dangerous, which would be the first sign to go the other direction. Both have sunshine and promise, however one leads me to the topside of a mountain which calls me higher and the other leads me to the low dark vally of pain and torment.

This crossroad is interesting because I seen my mother, sister, aunts and grandmothers all walk pass me. Some entered into the road on the left, while others went into the road on the right. I heard that voice say "Don't lose sight on what I promised you!" And although I am trying not to...that voice grows distant in the wind and the uneasiness of making the wrong choice begins to sink in.

This crossroad is intimidating, because I know that at this point in the journey I have one more test to endure in order to reach the promise. I have to get this right and I have to rely heavenly on all that I was taught in preparation for this journey. I had to change my mindset and my thinking. I had to prepare my body as a living sacrifice and humble myself into a position of submission. I had to kill my selfish desires and the hubris antics which lurked within my heart and soul. I had to put others before myself. I had to forgive my enemies and mean it!

I told God I was ready and I was ready for whatever He had for me, but was I really?
I was ready for the end of the journey, but I had no clue what the beginning had in store for me. I thought I had lost it all and that I was a complete failure, but even in the middle of the storm and the pain, God continued to hold my hand through it all. Even when I stood out from the shadows and saw no one there standing with me in the middle of chaos, God released his presence on me like a fresh rain wind.

So here I go...

Close my eyes, shut off my brain and listen to my heart.

Here I go... ignoring fear, rejection, weakness, anxiety, and disappointment.

Here I go... grabbing a hold of peace, stability, faithfulness, prayer and fasting.

Here I go... ignoring my past and the antics of the enemy trying to talk me out of following my heart.

Here I go... taking that first leap of faith in the RIGHT DIRECTION!

Running...Running...Running

Oh where do I let my fingers begin?

2013 has been by far the most challenging year ever. So many personal battles I endured since January, but you will have to buy my book on my personal life in order to read about how I made it over. Boy, what a story that will be. Talk about a New York Times Best Seller.

But I sit here the day after a wonderful and relaxing Mother's Day to reflect back on the question WHY? During service yesterday the preacher pushed forth the question of WHY? I have been asking God why forever and a day it seems. Why Lord must I continue to go through this? Why Lord must I continue to fight in this? Why Lord must I always be isolated? Why Lord do I have to turn the other cheek and be nice? Why Lord? Why Lord? Why?

The issue with asking God why is that sometimes He in return will ask you why. Why daughter have you turned away from me? Why don't you trust me? Why are you so hard headed? Why are you running from me? Why are you afraid to be who I created you to be? Why do you keep asking me why, when I have already given you the answers?

So my answer was to study the book of Jeremiah. I was given this assignment about a month ago and I still have not started reading and studying. I noticed that whenever I don't want to be held responsible for something I put it off or push it to the side. Whenever I do not want to face the reality of life and the requirements that come with certain positions, I simply avoid it and run. I have done this my entire life. Call me the runaway bride if you may. 

Could this explain so many failed relationships, not just romantic but friendships and family? Has it been the root to all of my failures that I simply grow intimidated by the end results, so instead of dealing with them I simply avoid them? I am good for ignoring people and acting as if they do not exist. I have mastered the concept of mentally eliminating people out of my life, especially if they did anything to hurt me or cause me any pain. The phrase "you are dead to me" has been my life's motto when it comes to not wanting to deal with certain people or things. I just make the decision that if I do not want to be bothered with a person then I do not have to be and no one can make me.

The problem with this however, is that I never allowed relationships to grow. The first sign of something bad happening I just kicked people to the curve, but I did not send them away in a nice peaceful manner. Oh no! That's not how Miss Natalie did it honey. I made sure that I used the most powerful weapon ever formed to ensure that person encountered some level of hurt and pain because it was only right. WRONG! If I had a dollar for the number of people I hurt and abused with just my mouth and my words, Bill Gates would have to move over. I know people who know me now would be shocked and amazed, but the person I am today was not alive years ago. The dead me was mean, hurt, angry, bitter and out to kill anyone who stood in her way. She had no remorse and felt no shame for the things she said and did to people. Her motive was to get you before you had the chance to get her. Thank God for deliverance.

One reason I started writing in this blog years ago was to release my inner thoughts and feelings. I also used it as a way to speak life to some who needed to read whatever it was that God placed on my heart to share. Sometimes it was simply a thought or idea from something I had read or saw. Other times it was a way of escape to dump all of my burdens and concerns into a forum which would allow me to be free without restrictions.

Well, if you have followed my blog you will see that over the years, the numbers of entries have slowly decreased. It is not a coincidence by far. It was placed in my spirit a long time ago that I would be given a platform to speak and teach the Word of God, which meant to speak life back into a dying generation of women and young people. BUT...the fear of being criticized and talked about in a negative manner sent me running for the hills. It was not because I thought my feelings would be hurt, but more so I would not be able to respond to those critics like I wanted to...because the old me was dead.

Moving forward, how was I susppose to deal with the haters because I knew they were coming? Heck I met a few of them this year alone. Talk about fighting giants! How in the world was I suppose to speak, teach, pray, heal, etc. all in the name of Jesus on one hand and fight these giants on the other hand, all while being a mother, teacher, coach, and mentor? That's when God had to stop me and put me back in my place. I was trying to be my own God and fight my own battles. When I tell you that I learned how to sit down and be still and let God be my God, I did just that. I have had to fight alot of men in 2013, not humans in general...but males, grown men. I was under attack on the job, at church, and in my personal life. Usually the drama and foolishness comes from women...not this time.

I remember something the Holy Spirit said to me years ago when I first rededicated my life back to Christ. In a nutshell the Holy Spirit said that where I was going, only men had been. At the time I laughed because I had no clue what that meant, but as I continue to run after Jesus I am seeing my feet being planted in areas in which men dominated. As a single woman I have no covering at the moment of a husband, so I can only rely on that protection and covering from God. Everyday I learn to decrease Natalie and allow God to increase. Yes that husband will come one day because he is part of my purpose and there are certain things I will not be able to do as a single woman, but until he gets here LIFE GOES ON!

So I begin to open my mouth and speak to those who were hurting. I begin to speak to those who were seeking. I begin to speak to those who were searching for answers and had questions that no one would answer. I begin to share my story and show my scars. I begin to open my heart and relate to those who were going through the same thing I had endured in my past. I begin writing, just small excerpts of my heart and wouldn't you know it...people started being touched. People started reading those posts and liking those status updates and asking me questions. Wouldn't you know it, there were people who needed what God had put inside of me, yet due to my fear of being attacked I selfishly kept my mouth closed and shut the entire world out.

There is treasure inside of me. There is treasure inside of you. What is it that you are running from? Why are you running? Do not allow the enemy to put fear and doubt in your mind and heart that you run from what it is you were called to do. Do not allow one of God's lost sheep to suffer anymore when He has given you the anointing to go into the world and allow the Holy Spirit to use you in such a mighty and powerful way. I ran for a long time, but tonight I have made the decision not to run another day. I don't need a title...I just need the anointing. I don't need a paycheck...I just need Jesus. I don't need to be flashy or fancy or have my name on the program/flyer...I just need my kingdom assignments fulfilled.

Let the haters hate and let them talk. The more they yap the more I know kingdom business is being handled and my God is pleased with me. God has my back just like He has yours. So..STOP RUNNING AND GO!!!!

Updated - From January 2013

I promise I will start becoming more consistent when it comes to writing and sharing with the entire world all that God shares with me. Today was one of those days in which I simply cannot get on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram to express the life lessons due to the events which unfolded this evening.

Welcome to 2013! It is only the 30th day in the new year and my goodness all types of situations, tests, and trials have slowly interfered with my life. Where to start? Well... how about at the beginning!

I knew coming into the new year things would be completely different. To begin, I was blessed to move into a brand new home which was built just for me and my man child. This move was significant because it allowed us the freedom to step out into the world on our own without help from anyone but God. We had to get out of the "nest" that served as a continuous trap. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the roof over my head, but I quickly had to learn that other's happiness was not going to be at my expense. It was simply time to move out of the house that I spent almost 18 years of my life in. It was time to move past the old comfortable way of doing things and step out on faith into all that God had promised me and my son. It was simply time to act on the small nudge God put inside of me during the summer of 2012. By the grace of God I closed on my first home at the end of November 2012 and we were officially moved in a month later. My New Year's was celebrated with an empty new home which could be filled with wonderful memories and love.

But, with all of the excitement I knew the enemy was out to get me. It only made sense. 23 days after the best year of my life had begun, I received a blind shot that hit me to the inner most core of my heart. The situation is too sensitive to discuss at this moment but it left an unprecedented effect that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never in my 30 years of breathing had I seen such an attack from the enemy as the one I was dealt last week. I knew if he was coming from me that it would be serious...because I asked God to call me higher and give me something greater, yet I knew "new levels equal new devils" so I welcomed the drama without strong contest. Needless to say the surprise attack left me heartbroken and angry. It left me in a state of confusion and in complete disbelief. It made me question myself and the position I had allowed such foolishness to lurk uncontested. How in the world could I have been so careless? How in the world could I have been so trusting? What was I thinking about to allow myself this small moment of vulnerability, this late in my life? After shedding so many tears and crying out to my family and close friends, I finally had to hear an answer from the Lord himself. "God! Why? Why is this happening to me and why now?" I heard myself say over and over. I knew this was a a test of my faith and my how big of a test it became. When all the odds seemed stacked against me, I slowly felt myself believing the lies against me. When no hope was sought within my own strength to fix the situation, I slowly begin to question my ability to win. It was at this moment when I realized "The ONLY way I win was if I sit down and let God be my God!"

Private Matters

Here recently in my life I have dealt with a lot of emotional turmoil. The roller coaster ride of sporadic emotions have left me with little energy to focus on the positive and rarely allows me the opportunity to encourage myself. I cannot give the enemy credit for this wave of emotions. I do understand that it involves some deep growing pains in which I must address before I can move forward in life. Due to personal issues of the heart remaining personal I do always omit names and descriptions of individuals. Although I share my heart openly as a means to relate to others for encouragement and wisdom I am still private about personal relationships and those individuals who are sometimes the cause for my writing. So if you are one who continues to wonder who the "Dear Future Hubby" posts are about you will continue to guess until my name has legally changed. If you are curious as to when the last relationship ended then I hate to admit you will forever be curious and guess based on rumors. If you are simply one who tries to read between the lines...understand that I am the master of secrecy and what you think you know probably means you are totally off. The obvious is never known when it comes to me! :)

Have I been heart broken? Yes. Have I broken others hearts? Yes. Do I believe I am destined to be single forever? No. Am I someones wife? Absolutely. When it is time for the world to know who he is...he will reveal himself. I won't have to. Somethings are better left in the unknown and that is how I view my relationships. There are times I will share about experiences...especially as a single mother or an older sister and even as a best friend.

I pray that we all learn discernment and when it is appropriate to share information and when it is not.

Be blessed!