GOODBYE 2008

So for the last day of 2008, I have decided to leave certain things and certain people in 2008. I realized that whatever did not work out for me in 2008 should not be taken into 2009. There is no need of taking baggage that I really don't have to take at all.

The first thing I am not taking with me in 2009 is my bad spending habit. I have wasted so much money in 2008 on food, going out and just things I really do not need. I also have been careless and irresponsible with my credit cards. So those bad boys are getting put up and paid off. My goal is to have them paid off by the end of the 1st quarter for 2009. The food spending and eating out has created another problem for me...my weight and health.

Over the past 5 years I have gained almost 40 pounds. And it was not until the Christmas holiday that I looked myself in the mirror and was totally disgusted with myself. Another thing I am leaving in 2008 is my poor eating habits. I now see what eating fast foods, fried foods, greasy foods, junk foods, etc has done to me. I am not happy with the way I look. I think what pissed me off more was every time I said I needed to lose the weight there were certain people in my life saying I shouldn't because I looked good the way I was. ARE YOU SERIOUS! That let me know I needed to get rid of certain people also. With LOTS of prayer and discipline for myself I know that I can drop these extra 40 pounds that I have tacked on over the past 5 years. I know that if I stay committed to eating healthy and working out DAILY...then I can loose this weight. I know that I can only do things one day at a time and not create unreasonable goals, because I am bad at starting things and not finishing them. So starting tomorrow...on my day off...I am busting a sweat and watching what I eat. I have to do this for me!

I am also leaving my laziness and procrastination behind. There was so much I could have gotten done in 2008. I mean I did get a lot done, but I could have done way more. I have put certain things off for so long and it's time I just woman up and get them done. Like I stated before I am horrible about starting things and not finishing them or even not fully committing to them. So that all stays in 2008. I have no one to push me except for myself. I have let myself down for way too long and it's time I start making up for it.

I am also leaving behind certain people. I am leaving behind my ex. This year was a hard year as far as that relationship goes. We lived together, did everything together...then we broke up. I tried to make it work and even did things I know I had no business doing, because I felt that would make him come back. At then end of the day God had to let me know that I was not to be TIED to him any longer. I had even psyched myself into believing we would be together forever and things would get better. Well I have had enough. I have had enough of him playing with my emotions and coming and going as he pleases. So He stays in 2008 and is not allowed in 2009. I am OK with the fact if I never see him again or even talk to him again. I need that peace of mind for me. I need to get Natalie back in order so that when the time comes for me to meet a man that is for me....I won't have that EXTRA baggage lingering around...always popping up and finding away to be around me. NO MORE!

I am also leaving behind all the emotional scars and baggage I have carried with me all of my life. A lot of doors have been closed within the past couple of months and I am grateful God sent me the answers I needed. I feel like my relationship with my mother and sister are great and will only get better. I know that me and my father will get closer and that wall I had up for so long is now torn down. I am not afraid to let him in or allow him to really love me. I know that all those demons I carried are not gone. I am no longer justified by what happened to me as a child and in my past. I know things happen for a reason and now my testimony is even stronger and will help a lot of other people in the near future.

I AM FREE. For the first time in my life I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I am no longer defined by my past and no one can hold it over my head. I am blessed and this feeling of joy I have in my spirit right now as I type this message is a feeling of victory. I made it. I made it through all the hell, all the drama, all the fighting, all the bickering, all the tears, all the embarrassment, all the frustrations, all the backsliding, all the demons, all the wickedness, all the foolishness, all the pain, all the disappointments, all the tiredness, all the everything. It was a hard year, but I made it. I am stronger and I am wiser.... I am better....much better!

Praise be to God my Father, the Holy Spirit for directing me ...and the Blood of Jesus for saving me. I thank God for opening up my eyes but more so my spirit. I thank Him because He loved me enough to allow me to go through it, but also to not leave me stranded and on my own. He loved me enough to allow me to be temped and test me, but he watched very closely. He loved me enough not to turn his back on me even when I did things that were not pleasing to him. NOW....THAT'S LOVE. When others let me down...He was always there. When I was mad at Him and felt let down because I didn't get things when I wanted them...He loved me enough to tell me NO...it was not my time yet. When He didn't say a word to me at times and just let me walk by myself...to think for myself and to remind me that He gave me wisdom and discernment to make the right choices I needed to make for me. At the end of the day...all praise and honor go back to my DADDY GOD! Because my DADDY GOD has never let me down nor has He ever left me alone. And it is all now so clear, on this last day of 2008....all the things He was teaching me to make me a better child for his kingdom. To make Natalie a better woman here on this earth so that my works can be done. I am only an agent from heaven sent to do the King's Business! And when my work is done...I pray that I hear WELL DONE THY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!

ELECTION DAY

First Off...

IF YOU HAVE NOT VOTED....WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR????????????

Today is ELECTION DAY 08. I think this is the day American History will be re-written for the better. I have been praying since the DNC. I was a Clinton supporter...but I learned that things are done for a reason. I also believe God does not make mistakes. So if my girl Hilary was to be in this position she would have been.

So...if you are wondering if I jumped on the Obama bandwagon or the Palin bandwagon....let me say this. I am not a bandwagon jumper!

When I voted on October 22 (early voter)...my vote and commitment went to the person I felt would be the best interest for myself and my child. I voted for a person I believed was interested in the future not just the past. A person whom my child could look up to and relate to. A person who could give me a break down of the things I questioned and the policies I did not agree with. A person I felt was a Child of God and was called to a time such as this. I voted for the person who has strong family ties and represents what a family should be about.

A person who is not perfect and never tried to be perfect. A person who was interested in my well being and that of my child. A person who understands the word of God, despite what others may say about them. A person who has strong support from strong people. A person who defeated all odds and disregarded the nay sayers!

YES I VOTED FOR MR. BARACK OBAMA!!!!!

As much as I would have loved for him to select Hilary as his running mate, I still respect his decision at the end of the day. I understand now why he picked Joe Biden. I respect the man and all that he has accomplished on a national and international level. There are still some questions I have about him but at the end of the day I believe he will really help and support Obama and make sure that things are being done.

So now that it is public. If you have not voted...I encourage you to vote for the Obama/Biden ticket. It's a new day and a day for change. I will be up all night if my body allows it to watch this historic event take place.

I am going to the Friendship West Watch Party tonight. I encourage all those in Dallas to come out and show your support. What better place to celebrate victory than in the house of the Lord!

God Bless

G.I.F.T.S.

After 5 long years of praying, procrastination, running, hoping, submitting and just doing what I was called to do...the seed that God has planted in me has now been birth.

G.I.F.T.S. is an acroynm for God's Inspiration For Troubled Sisters. It is a non-profit mentoring organization for young girls and women. You can visit the website at http://www.giftsmentoring.org/

I am really excited and blessed with this program. I was called by God to do this and for this purpose only. I remember Bishop saying your gift is something you would do for FREE! It's not a talent (which is my writing and public speaking) but it is something no one else can do. It is something unique that God gave to me and only me. I ran for years out of fear of rejection and because of the lack of faith in myself. I thought my imperfections and failures would hinder the lives of the young ladies whom God was entrusting me with. So like Jonah I ran. After 2003 I just gave up on the idea and decided to do something else. BUT GOD!

He would not allow me to do such a thing because His word can not come back void. All the drama, heart ache, pain, failures, frustrations, disappointments I have endured were only meant to stretch me. Those trials made me more humble and compassionate. I have learned that if God will bring me TO IT....He will bring me THROUGH IT. I decided that I had a work to do and I was going to be about KINGDOM BUSINESS! And that work has begun.

Since launching the website and getting the name out in the streets, I have been blessed with positive feedback. I even have people willing to help. That was one of my major concerns and I asked God who was going to help me do this thing. He answered my prayers.

My best friend is now the Assistant Director for G.I.F.T.S. She is the type of person who knows me in such a way I would never have to worry about her judgment and her character. I have faith in knowing that she believes in the purpose for this type of mentor ship and she will do all that is in her power to make sure it is run successfully.

A friend of mine whom I met about a year and a half ago is my Financial Consultant. I have had the opportunity in meeting a Man of God who I can trust and has my best interest at hand. Whenever I need him or I don't understand something I know that he is there to help me out. With his background in accounting I know that I am in good hands and with him on my team I can only move higher.

I have other people from my sorority, from church and other friends who have stepped up and are excited about G.I.F.T.S. God has shown me that as long as I do what He asked of me, He will take care of the rest. And He has been faithful in doing that.

I have a feeling that new doors are about to be open for this program and I am ready to work. I know that this will not be easy at all times and that God has trusted me with a task that only I can do. So I ask for your prayers and support as I become a living vessel for our young people.

God Bless

Day By Day

I have accepted the fact that there are still parts of me that are really out of sink. I now understand that I have to take things DAY BY DAY. I can no longer let myself down by failed attempts or fearful regrets. I have to WOMAN UP and just do the dang on thing!" So I no longer set unrealistic goals for myself nor do I give myself a deadline to restrict me from becoming all that I want and all that God needs me to be.

I have decided to put men on the backside of the TO DO LIST! For some reason my focus and attention have been geared to finding that special someone who can make me happy. But at the end of the day I realized I don't need a man to do that...I have ME! So guys...sorry but I am not interested in jumping into a committed relationship with anyone right now. I recently had someone tell me he was not looking for a FRIEND he needed a WOMAN. How can you have one without the other is my question?! Praise God that the red flag went up when it did.

I believe in me and I know that now is NOT the time for me to put aside my dreams and goals and all the things that I have worked so hard to accomplish, only to entertain people. I know now that I have to do me and change me for the better. When my Boaz does come he will find me....working in the field trying to take care of me and my family.

I honestly believe that there is a divine purpose I am suppose to fulfill in order for my Golden Girls (my grandmothers) to see it manifest. I wrote them all letters about 5 months ago just expressing my feelings for them and speaking into their lives as my elders. I believe that wisdom is something the Holy Spirit gives you and he has surely blessed those women who have all grown to live and see 70+ years of life... 4 generations deep! What a blessing!

So I am working and grinding. I have not really been serious about my life and purpose since I was in college. Then I had ambition and drive there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I could see it so clearly. I want that energy back. I want that passion back in my sprirt to work hard and make things happen in my life like never before. I believe in God for that much. I know that all I have to do is get behind him and allow him to lead me and not the other way around. So I am taking things....DAY BY DAY...one step at a time!

Crossroads

So...I recently found myself infatuated with a new guy. I was torn about this because I had high hopes that me and my ex would be able to rekindle our old flames. I now realize that we only have "Soul Ties" and that our souls are not knitted together. I now realize that I loved him because of what we used to have. I loved him for what he use to be and how he use to treat me. I could not think of any current situation on why I needed to be with him. It was all a want. So now I have the opportunity of starting fresh with someone new. Someone who can see me in his future...someone who is willing to make time for me...someone who does not have any expectations and is wanting to take things one day at a time. I had expectations and every time I let myself down because of them. I am intrigued by this new guy because he no longer has expectations. He never wants to jinx himself. He has taught me to just live life and live in the moment that makes me happy. He told me to follow my heart and not my mind. I tend to over think things and I try to analyse every single detail of my life. Sometimes I talk myself out of doing something that can be really beneficial for me out of fear of being hurt or let down. I know I can not control the future or the lives of people around me. I see that I can only love me and do what's best for me at the end of the day. We have a lot of things in common and I am ready to let go of my fears and just take a chance...but this first step is harder than I ever thought it would be.

3rd Day

So...last Sunday in church Bishop Jakes talked about the 3 day process. He basically broke it down in the stages in which change happens. This does not mean a 3 (24hour day) period...but seasons in your life. He used the example of Israel in the wilderness...needing food to eat. So the Lord sent them some "manna". Day 1 - What is this? They were never exposed to it before and every day he provided it for them and they were accustomed to waking up and finding the manna. Then all of a sudden God stopped sending it. What do you do when God stops blessing you with the one thing you are use to?

That's where Day 2 comes in? What happened to the blessing. See I am experiencing day 2. My previous relationship ended and there was no warning...no explanation...nothing. So I had to deal with my blessing stopping and God not telling me what was going on. I had to deal with a man that I loved and who once loved me...no longer loving me anymore. I had to deal with the heart ache. Because no matter what I tried it didn't work. Bishop explained this was God's way of weening me from what I was used to in order to give me something better. He was weening me from being with someone who was dependent on me when he really didn't want to be. He was weening me from someone who stopped loving me and caring for me. He was weening me from someone who didn't really act like they wanted to marry me despite all the promises. At first I did not nor could I understand because I was trying to force it to work. By any means necessary was my objective. I felt if I didn't fight for my relationship now...how could I fight for it when we were married? I had to realize that when God blesses you with something you don't have to fight to keep it...it's yours. So when I started fighting...I knew it was no longer mine.

Day 3 is when the new and better blessing comes in. I was weened from the thing I was comfortable with...when all along God wanted me to have something (or someone better.) I was holding on to what use to fill me up and now that thing no longer satisfies my appetite. I had to learn that I could not hold on the the "maybe" aspect of that relationship. "Maybe" he will come back around. "Maybe" we will start doing things again. "Maybe" he will take me places. "Maybe!" I had to learn that I deserved more and I deserved better. I also learned that once you realize that God made you a promise...the actual blessing is not far behind. See the Lord promised me something for next year and I was expecting it to be with my ex. Now I know he was not the EX God was talking about.!

Daddy God is so funny and he really has a sense of humor.

*Be Blessed and Believe!*

About Me...

I am who I was created to be. I'm a mysterious being walking on this earth unraveling the myths about this world and unlocking the keys into a place that reaches far beyond what the eye can see.

I’m a child of the TRUE KING and a servant to a master that paid the ultimate sacrifice for my existence even to this day. I live by what Christ delegated to his followers to do and in his image alone. Although I am far from perfection, my advancement has seen unprecedented progress I realize the journey is far from over.

I speak from my heart regardless of the emotional attachments that are displayed. I always evoke the controversies that we face in this day and age with the realities that surface minus the spotlight and cameras. I speak words profoundly and sincerely as David did, with an open heart and an open agenda, leaving nothing out that God can not see. This is me…wrapped in words to be a blessing to the entire universe…one word at a time.

HE LIVES!

A Creation

She is me in the after life, a beautiful creature created with love and passion
Molded from pain and suffering but polished with hope and prosperity
The external parts of her are structured with strength to secure all valuable assets
The internal parts are like a delicate flower; soft and sweet like honey that nourishes the soul
Nothing can break her spirit and her determination was set before her entrance into the world
Faced with life trials and hardships, people turning their backs and closing their doors
Realizing love is a foolish antic played by those trying to gain higher access to fame
She pushes nonsense aside and seeks the one who whispered to her soul
Now awake, her eyes are those of angels able to see the spiritual phase as realistic
Aspirations take over her mind and cause her heart to find shelter
No longer gambling with finicky things and people who seemed to care
Driven by the force from her dreams that tells her happiness is far and beyond
In order to experience such a thing as success, she takes a voyage across a world no longer hers
She sees the things life has done to the beauty created by the one she loves the most
Tears overwhelm her internal beauty allowing anger to boil at a level that causes pain
Unable to face the ugliness that greed caused from every single man
Taken back to the thought of who she was before she was transformed into her new being
Understanding life is never easy and nothing given is really free, a price is paid somehow
She sees new opportunity in everything she is introduced too and things she stumbled upon
Changing her perception on life as whole and the methods in which she now travels
She is me in the current state of mind, the girl who wanted big but lived small
The one that chased after a vision that was planted in her womb before the stars were created
Heaven is her home now and she sits upon the billions who were called as she was
Destiny complete but the mission is still in full pursuit, to a paradise never seen before
A creation almost as beautiful as the sun saying hello and goodbye at the same time
Difficult for man to appreciate for her value has no monetary value but is rich beyond means
Set aside not for the satisfaction of a man, but for the one that created her for himself
Too see that such a creation as this, is rare, and can never be duplicated…so the mold was broken
She is who I was….who I continue to be…who I will end up like
She is me!