Conversations

I have been reading this book titled The Conversation by Hill Harper and I must say that I cannot put this book down. I almost feel bad because there have been nights where I picked up this book before I cracked open one of the nine books I have for my graduate studies...but oh well. What is interesting about this book is how I acquired the book and what it is saying to me right now in my life.

See a great friend of mine (whom shall remain nameless) thought of me when she went to pick it up from a bookstore. Now I believe God does things strategically, so I will digress in assuming it was all a coincidence on how it came into my possession. The other part that blows my mind is the fact of when I received the book...both the timing and the location was incredible. See I had recently had a deep conversation with this same friend and over the weekend so many things became clear for the two of us. We realized we were more alike than we had ever known. It was a blessing to sit there and share our thoughts and unleash our hearts to each other, without worrying about being judged or ridiculed for how we felt. During the same conversation I had with her, an old schoolmate and I had a very transparent chat online. I was simply amazed at how similar our lives had been and blessed at how God had transformed their life in such a beautiful way. Growing up you never really know what takes place in someones personal life. We see the outside but we never have a clue of what is taking place on the inside.

I remember growing up with this person and always admired how outgoing they were and not really afraid to be bold and different. Although I was outgoing I did not have the self esteem to be truthful to whom I was created to be. At times I would hide what I was feeling out of fear of being judged and misunderstood. Never would I imagine that at the time there were others in my classes going through the same pain I was when it came to our parents. I see only a glimpse of the person they have become and I have nothing but respect for them and the God they serve. What is beautiful is how much our conversation blessed me and helped me address old wounds that have yet to heal within myself. As random as the conversation was it simply allowed me to open up as well as be a listening tool for someone else. What I adore about the Holy Spirit is how well he moves in and out of our lives and how he will draw us to others who are able to help us without really knowing it.

I am learning so much about myself. As I look into the mirror I can no longer see the woman I was 10 years ago let alone even last year. When I look at myself inwardly I cannot help but to wonder what I will look like 10 years from now when I am 39 years old. How long will I have been married? How many children did I decide to have with my husband? What does our home look like (not just our house)? Where did the ministry take us? How many lives were changed because God decided to use us? What will my children look like? Where would my oldest be (college)? Are we well off or has God simply blown our mind? This is only a small piece of what goes on in my mind daily.

It is not a secret that I think and dream big...I always have. I remember when I was younger I would watch MTV Cribs with my friends and I would say..."one day my house would be bigger than that, but I don't need the entire world to see it". I want more because I feel no one in my family has ever reached the level in which I aim for. I want to be the example for my children and even other family members. I want to be the one who can have conversations with my children and their spouses and share the wisdom God has given me and my husband to pass down to them. Like I said before I want to be the first in my immediate family to celebrate 50 years of marriage to the same man. There is no limit to where God is about to take me. I have stopped trying to tell God what I WANT him to look like and what I WANT him to do...I just trust God will send me what I need wrapped in what I want! (Thanks Pastor Ross).

After that conversation with both individuals I have come to accept the fact that whoever he is...he is closer than ever. I am not sure if he is simply waiting on a GO from God to approach me or if he is simply watching and observing me just as Boaz did with Ruth in the fields. All I know is this...I am so looking forward to our late night conversations and the friendship he and I will build together. I am looking forward to being that listening ear and that shoulder he can lean on. I am going in with the mindset of how can I serve him and not just what can he do for me. God is preparing me like never before and I am loving every minute of it. The waiting is hard at times (especially when you attend so many weddings on a single RSVP) but I know that this thing has to cook a little bit longer because of the magnitude of its power. I get why God said..."not now Natalie...just hold on a little while longer!"