Which Way Do I Go?

At this moment in my life I am standing at a crossroad.

To the left I see myself walking away, wondering if all that I heard was merely my imagination playing cruel tricks on me. Wondering if this was all a mistake and if this was simply my flesh desiring to have a piece of reality in which did not truthfully belong to me.

To the right I see myself running after the promise. Running after the thing God said I could have but I can't see it clearly, I only hear its footsteps as I gain closer access to it. Almost there...almost got...almost in arms reach!

This crossroad is a confusing place to be in. There is no clear passage which looks ultimately dangerous, which would be the first sign to go the other direction. Both have sunshine and promise, however one leads me to the topside of a mountain which calls me higher and the other leads me to the low dark vally of pain and torment.

This crossroad is interesting because I seen my mother, sister, aunts and grandmothers all walk pass me. Some entered into the road on the left, while others went into the road on the right. I heard that voice say "Don't lose sight on what I promised you!" And although I am trying not to...that voice grows distant in the wind and the uneasiness of making the wrong choice begins to sink in.

This crossroad is intimidating, because I know that at this point in the journey I have one more test to endure in order to reach the promise. I have to get this right and I have to rely heavenly on all that I was taught in preparation for this journey. I had to change my mindset and my thinking. I had to prepare my body as a living sacrifice and humble myself into a position of submission. I had to kill my selfish desires and the hubris antics which lurked within my heart and soul. I had to put others before myself. I had to forgive my enemies and mean it!

I told God I was ready and I was ready for whatever He had for me, but was I really?
I was ready for the end of the journey, but I had no clue what the beginning had in store for me. I thought I had lost it all and that I was a complete failure, but even in the middle of the storm and the pain, God continued to hold my hand through it all. Even when I stood out from the shadows and saw no one there standing with me in the middle of chaos, God released his presence on me like a fresh rain wind.

So here I go...

Close my eyes, shut off my brain and listen to my heart.

Here I go... ignoring fear, rejection, weakness, anxiety, and disappointment.

Here I go... grabbing a hold of peace, stability, faithfulness, prayer and fasting.

Here I go... ignoring my past and the antics of the enemy trying to talk me out of following my heart.

Here I go... taking that first leap of faith in the RIGHT DIRECTION!

Running...Running...Running

Oh where do I let my fingers begin?

2013 has been by far the most challenging year ever. So many personal battles I endured since January, but you will have to buy my book on my personal life in order to read about how I made it over. Boy, what a story that will be. Talk about a New York Times Best Seller.

But I sit here the day after a wonderful and relaxing Mother's Day to reflect back on the question WHY? During service yesterday the preacher pushed forth the question of WHY? I have been asking God why forever and a day it seems. Why Lord must I continue to go through this? Why Lord must I continue to fight in this? Why Lord must I always be isolated? Why Lord do I have to turn the other cheek and be nice? Why Lord? Why Lord? Why?

The issue with asking God why is that sometimes He in return will ask you why. Why daughter have you turned away from me? Why don't you trust me? Why are you so hard headed? Why are you running from me? Why are you afraid to be who I created you to be? Why do you keep asking me why, when I have already given you the answers?

So my answer was to study the book of Jeremiah. I was given this assignment about a month ago and I still have not started reading and studying. I noticed that whenever I don't want to be held responsible for something I put it off or push it to the side. Whenever I do not want to face the reality of life and the requirements that come with certain positions, I simply avoid it and run. I have done this my entire life. Call me the runaway bride if you may. 

Could this explain so many failed relationships, not just romantic but friendships and family? Has it been the root to all of my failures that I simply grow intimidated by the end results, so instead of dealing with them I simply avoid them? I am good for ignoring people and acting as if they do not exist. I have mastered the concept of mentally eliminating people out of my life, especially if they did anything to hurt me or cause me any pain. The phrase "you are dead to me" has been my life's motto when it comes to not wanting to deal with certain people or things. I just make the decision that if I do not want to be bothered with a person then I do not have to be and no one can make me.

The problem with this however, is that I never allowed relationships to grow. The first sign of something bad happening I just kicked people to the curve, but I did not send them away in a nice peaceful manner. Oh no! That's not how Miss Natalie did it honey. I made sure that I used the most powerful weapon ever formed to ensure that person encountered some level of hurt and pain because it was only right. WRONG! If I had a dollar for the number of people I hurt and abused with just my mouth and my words, Bill Gates would have to move over. I know people who know me now would be shocked and amazed, but the person I am today was not alive years ago. The dead me was mean, hurt, angry, bitter and out to kill anyone who stood in her way. She had no remorse and felt no shame for the things she said and did to people. Her motive was to get you before you had the chance to get her. Thank God for deliverance.

One reason I started writing in this blog years ago was to release my inner thoughts and feelings. I also used it as a way to speak life to some who needed to read whatever it was that God placed on my heart to share. Sometimes it was simply a thought or idea from something I had read or saw. Other times it was a way of escape to dump all of my burdens and concerns into a forum which would allow me to be free without restrictions.

Well, if you have followed my blog you will see that over the years, the numbers of entries have slowly decreased. It is not a coincidence by far. It was placed in my spirit a long time ago that I would be given a platform to speak and teach the Word of God, which meant to speak life back into a dying generation of women and young people. BUT...the fear of being criticized and talked about in a negative manner sent me running for the hills. It was not because I thought my feelings would be hurt, but more so I would not be able to respond to those critics like I wanted to...because the old me was dead.

Moving forward, how was I susppose to deal with the haters because I knew they were coming? Heck I met a few of them this year alone. Talk about fighting giants! How in the world was I suppose to speak, teach, pray, heal, etc. all in the name of Jesus on one hand and fight these giants on the other hand, all while being a mother, teacher, coach, and mentor? That's when God had to stop me and put me back in my place. I was trying to be my own God and fight my own battles. When I tell you that I learned how to sit down and be still and let God be my God, I did just that. I have had to fight alot of men in 2013, not humans in general...but males, grown men. I was under attack on the job, at church, and in my personal life. Usually the drama and foolishness comes from women...not this time.

I remember something the Holy Spirit said to me years ago when I first rededicated my life back to Christ. In a nutshell the Holy Spirit said that where I was going, only men had been. At the time I laughed because I had no clue what that meant, but as I continue to run after Jesus I am seeing my feet being planted in areas in which men dominated. As a single woman I have no covering at the moment of a husband, so I can only rely on that protection and covering from God. Everyday I learn to decrease Natalie and allow God to increase. Yes that husband will come one day because he is part of my purpose and there are certain things I will not be able to do as a single woman, but until he gets here LIFE GOES ON!

So I begin to open my mouth and speak to those who were hurting. I begin to speak to those who were seeking. I begin to speak to those who were searching for answers and had questions that no one would answer. I begin to share my story and show my scars. I begin to open my heart and relate to those who were going through the same thing I had endured in my past. I begin writing, just small excerpts of my heart and wouldn't you know it...people started being touched. People started reading those posts and liking those status updates and asking me questions. Wouldn't you know it, there were people who needed what God had put inside of me, yet due to my fear of being attacked I selfishly kept my mouth closed and shut the entire world out.

There is treasure inside of me. There is treasure inside of you. What is it that you are running from? Why are you running? Do not allow the enemy to put fear and doubt in your mind and heart that you run from what it is you were called to do. Do not allow one of God's lost sheep to suffer anymore when He has given you the anointing to go into the world and allow the Holy Spirit to use you in such a mighty and powerful way. I ran for a long time, but tonight I have made the decision not to run another day. I don't need a title...I just need the anointing. I don't need a paycheck...I just need Jesus. I don't need to be flashy or fancy or have my name on the program/flyer...I just need my kingdom assignments fulfilled.

Let the haters hate and let them talk. The more they yap the more I know kingdom business is being handled and my God is pleased with me. God has my back just like He has yours. So..STOP RUNNING AND GO!!!!

Updated - From January 2013

I promise I will start becoming more consistent when it comes to writing and sharing with the entire world all that God shares with me. Today was one of those days in which I simply cannot get on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram to express the life lessons due to the events which unfolded this evening.

Welcome to 2013! It is only the 30th day in the new year and my goodness all types of situations, tests, and trials have slowly interfered with my life. Where to start? Well... how about at the beginning!

I knew coming into the new year things would be completely different. To begin, I was blessed to move into a brand new home which was built just for me and my man child. This move was significant because it allowed us the freedom to step out into the world on our own without help from anyone but God. We had to get out of the "nest" that served as a continuous trap. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the roof over my head, but I quickly had to learn that other's happiness was not going to be at my expense. It was simply time to move out of the house that I spent almost 18 years of my life in. It was time to move past the old comfortable way of doing things and step out on faith into all that God had promised me and my son. It was simply time to act on the small nudge God put inside of me during the summer of 2012. By the grace of God I closed on my first home at the end of November 2012 and we were officially moved in a month later. My New Year's was celebrated with an empty new home which could be filled with wonderful memories and love.

But, with all of the excitement I knew the enemy was out to get me. It only made sense. 23 days after the best year of my life had begun, I received a blind shot that hit me to the inner most core of my heart. The situation is too sensitive to discuss at this moment but it left an unprecedented effect that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never in my 30 years of breathing had I seen such an attack from the enemy as the one I was dealt last week. I knew if he was coming from me that it would be serious...because I asked God to call me higher and give me something greater, yet I knew "new levels equal new devils" so I welcomed the drama without strong contest. Needless to say the surprise attack left me heartbroken and angry. It left me in a state of confusion and in complete disbelief. It made me question myself and the position I had allowed such foolishness to lurk uncontested. How in the world could I have been so careless? How in the world could I have been so trusting? What was I thinking about to allow myself this small moment of vulnerability, this late in my life? After shedding so many tears and crying out to my family and close friends, I finally had to hear an answer from the Lord himself. "God! Why? Why is this happening to me and why now?" I heard myself say over and over. I knew this was a a test of my faith and my how big of a test it became. When all the odds seemed stacked against me, I slowly felt myself believing the lies against me. When no hope was sought within my own strength to fix the situation, I slowly begin to question my ability to win. It was at this moment when I realized "The ONLY way I win was if I sit down and let God be my God!"