This is for my grandmothers...whom I refer to as my Golden Girls (like the tv show). At my wedding they have to wear a gold dress...this includes my husband's grandmothers as well. I don't care what the wedding colors may be...they have to be in GOLD because they are my golden girls and when I think about them I think about Royalty!
RIP - Dorothy Bea Braswell (10/6/2010)
...Grandma I do this for you and everything I write will be for you to shine bright over me as I embrace this next phase of my journey! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!
Golden Girl
How can I hate the person looking back at me?
Her curves make her unique and tranquility is mesmerizing
So different and rare, like fallen leaves from an old tree
Not really understanding the beauty her scars yearn to see
Old age and gray hair wrapped deep in a bun
Wrinkle skin and beauty marks shine brighter in the sun
Embarrassed about the way God allowed her to transform
Not understanding this is as beautiful as they become
The age of the seasoned, wise woman is who she is now
See the rings around her skin like an oak tree deep in the woods
Makes her realize the pain all these years, she has withstood
Not as fast as she was before but not still like her friends
Able to see the work of God each day the sun rises again
Looking back once more, a smile crawls across her face
She understands that aging is the power of God’s grace
He loved her so much he only rewarded her for so long
The sight of 90 years, creates a melody for a new song
She hears a familiar sound that brings joy into her heart
The 5 generations she has birthed, has given life a new start
She looks back at me and smiles with peace in her soul
Understanding now…she is just golden and not a day over being old
With Love,
N’Shae
Tha Non-Fiction Version
- Miss Natalie
- This is a way of escape to express myself to an audience without a capacity. This is my life, my strengths, my weakness, my fears, my hopes, my doubts, my everything. An Outlet of Relief!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
My Everything
To the secular this sounds like and ordinary man...but to those who know HIM, will totally understand
Everything
He is my everything…my days and my nights
Living life without him can be suicidal and I’m not willing to pay that price
I can’t imagine walking into this world without him standing there
Everyone around us… always calls him in their time of despair
I can’t be selfish and I knew I would have to share my love with others
But sometimes our secret moments are what really matters
See no one in this world can love me like him…and maybe never will
He has a heart bigger than 10 kings and can make nations stand still
Don’t be upset or envious about me and mines
He came after me…heck, I ran the first time
But I love him because he never stopped trying to get my attention
He spoiled with me things and treated me with love and affection
Oh I know I have the best love there is to have in such a time like this
A couple of years ago I would have said his love is the ishhh
But I can’t lower him to such a level as that
Instead all I can say this love is where it is at
When I am angry he gives me a place of peace
Never second guessing me but restoring my energy
When I am sad and feeling like I am all alone
He reminds me that he never left and with him is my home
So together we can build kingdoms for real kings and queens
Despite the unbalanced life…I follow in his dreams
I trust his words because he has yet to lie to me
And a love like that deserves more than the eye can see
So now do you understand why I call him my everything?
Because everything I am not….he comes in to make my life complete!
N’Shae 2007 ***
TOTAL WOMAN
TOTAL WOMAN
Dedicated to My Spiritual Mother: My First Lady
She is a woman not like all others
Her treasure is deep inside, that no one can bother
She is a creation from the Most High
She was made from a rib and blessed for the eye
Her beauty is not just physical but spiritual as well
Her mind speaks from wisdom, her heart filled with joy
She moves about in a mystical way, her feet never touch the floor
She has a heart of compassion and the strength to take the pain
She uses her most valuable resource to send down the rain
On a spiritual revolution, she fights with her tears and prayers
Not knowing the outcome at times, she always proves she cares
Keeping her faith in God, she knows everything is okay
Hoping for a better tomorrow, she goes to her knees to pray
Being a divine creation from God on High
This woman is a blessing, sometimes in disguise
No one knows her real features, and some might say she is crazy
But if you really know this Woman of God, you will know she is always a Lady
Unless you test her trust and patience, then she may come off a little mean
But in order to balance life as a whole, she has to always remain clean
Clean from blasphemy, adultery, and sin
Clean from all the evil in the world as well as the evil within
She is not the head of her home, however she knows her place
God told this sister in her ear, that she was a woman of grace
She never raises her voice, or even speaks in false tongues
She carries herself in a distinguished manner, like a Queen in her own kingdom
She is a work from God, a creation from on high
The blessings bestowed in her, makes tears flow from the eye
She is a mother, daughter, sister and a friend
A comforter, mentor, and teacher to the end
She has a distinct beauty that magnifies the soul
Whenever you see this woman, understand she has a heart of gold
God’s most prize possession, since she is His reproduction
In order to build His army, He will need her full conviction
A woman is who she is, with all of her armor and her shield
She is a woman of many aspects, here to do God’s will.
Natalie Freeman
2003
Dedicated to My Spiritual Mother: My First Lady
She is a woman not like all others
Her treasure is deep inside, that no one can bother
She is a creation from the Most High
She was made from a rib and blessed for the eye
Her beauty is not just physical but spiritual as well
Her mind speaks from wisdom, her heart filled with joy
She moves about in a mystical way, her feet never touch the floor
She has a heart of compassion and the strength to take the pain
She uses her most valuable resource to send down the rain
On a spiritual revolution, she fights with her tears and prayers
Not knowing the outcome at times, she always proves she cares
Keeping her faith in God, she knows everything is okay
Hoping for a better tomorrow, she goes to her knees to pray
Being a divine creation from God on High
This woman is a blessing, sometimes in disguise
No one knows her real features, and some might say she is crazy
But if you really know this Woman of God, you will know she is always a Lady
Unless you test her trust and patience, then she may come off a little mean
But in order to balance life as a whole, she has to always remain clean
Clean from blasphemy, adultery, and sin
Clean from all the evil in the world as well as the evil within
She is not the head of her home, however she knows her place
God told this sister in her ear, that she was a woman of grace
She never raises her voice, or even speaks in false tongues
She carries herself in a distinguished manner, like a Queen in her own kingdom
She is a work from God, a creation from on high
The blessings bestowed in her, makes tears flow from the eye
She is a mother, daughter, sister and a friend
A comforter, mentor, and teacher to the end
She has a distinct beauty that magnifies the soul
Whenever you see this woman, understand she has a heart of gold
God’s most prize possession, since she is His reproduction
In order to build His army, He will need her full conviction
A woman is who she is, with all of her armor and her shield
She is a woman of many aspects, here to do God’s will.
Natalie Freeman
2003
Daydreaming
When I wrote this one years ago...I thought it was simply a daydream...what I did not realize was that it was God showing me what I needed to be on the lookout for!
Daydreaming…
I see him in my dreams, in my spirit, in my realm
I wonder what he’s doing, if he’s happy, if he’s grim
No he doesn’t know me…and he probably never will
But I say a prayer for him, cause the thought of him gives me chills
I don’t know his name, his face, or his smile
I don’t know if he’s single or married with a child
I wonder what makes him wake… every single day
And if the morning sun brings happiness to his face
No he is not my soul mate. Well maybe in another life
Maybe once before he was my mistress or even my wife
Only God knows the passion that my heart seeks
And the fruit that bares from my soul that yearns for him to eat
So I sit and watch the trees flirt with the light brisk wind
And wonder if what I endure will ever come to an end
I have the hole where my heart used to be
And I know a transplant is coming to restore my energy
To give me back life and the last breath I once took
To look into my life and re-write this old book
And once I stand again and run to be free
I know that one I seek will be looking for me
N’Shae
6/13/07
Daydreaming…
I see him in my dreams, in my spirit, in my realm
I wonder what he’s doing, if he’s happy, if he’s grim
No he doesn’t know me…and he probably never will
But I say a prayer for him, cause the thought of him gives me chills
I don’t know his name, his face, or his smile
I don’t know if he’s single or married with a child
I wonder what makes him wake… every single day
And if the morning sun brings happiness to his face
No he is not my soul mate. Well maybe in another life
Maybe once before he was my mistress or even my wife
Only God knows the passion that my heart seeks
And the fruit that bares from my soul that yearns for him to eat
So I sit and watch the trees flirt with the light brisk wind
And wonder if what I endure will ever come to an end
I have the hole where my heart used to be
And I know a transplant is coming to restore my energy
To give me back life and the last breath I once took
To look into my life and re-write this old book
And once I stand again and run to be free
I know that one I seek will be looking for me
N’Shae
6/13/07
A Creation
Years ago, I asked God to show me who I was in his eyes and He gave me this...it still makes me emotional just going back over it!
A Creation…
She is me in the after life, a beautiful creature created with love and passion
Molded from pain and suffering but polished with hope and prosperity
The external parts of her are structured with strength to secure all valuable assets
The internal parts are like a delicate flower; soft and sweet like honey that nourishes the soul
Nothing can break her spirit and her determination was set before her entrance into the world
Faced with life’s trials and hardships, people turning their backs and closing their doors
Realizing love is a foolish antic played by those trying to gain higher access to fame
She pushes nonsense aside and seeks the one who whispered to her soul
Now awake, her eyes are those of angels able to see the spiritual phase as realistic
Aspirations take over her mind and cause her heart to find shelter
No longer gambling with finicky things and people who seemed to care
Driven by the force from her dreams that tells her happiness is far and beyond
In order to experience such a thing as success, she takes a voyage across a world no longer hers
She sees the things life has done to the beauty created by the one she loves the most
Tears overwhelm her internal beauty allowing anger to boil at a level that causes pain
Unable to face the ugliness that greed caused from every single man
Taken back to the thought of who she was before she was transformed into her new being
Understanding life is never easy and nothing given is really free, a price is paid somehow
She sees new opportunity in everything she is introduced too and things she stumbled upon
Changing her perception on life as whole and the methods in which she now travels
She is me in the current state of mind, the girl who wanted big but lived small
The one that chased after a vision that was planted in her womb before the stars were created
Heaven is her home now and she sits upon the billions who were called as she was
Destiny complete but the mission is still in full pursuit, to a paradise never seen before
A creation almost as beautiful as the sun saying hello and goodbye at the same time
Difficult for man to appreciate for her value has no monetary value but is rich beyond means
Set aside not for the satisfaction of a man, but for the one that created her for himself
Too see that such a creation as this, is rare, and can never be duplicated…so the mold was broken
She is who I was….who I continue to be…who I will end up like
She is me!
N’Shae 2007
A Creation…
She is me in the after life, a beautiful creature created with love and passion
Molded from pain and suffering but polished with hope and prosperity
The external parts of her are structured with strength to secure all valuable assets
The internal parts are like a delicate flower; soft and sweet like honey that nourishes the soul
Nothing can break her spirit and her determination was set before her entrance into the world
Faced with life’s trials and hardships, people turning their backs and closing their doors
Realizing love is a foolish antic played by those trying to gain higher access to fame
She pushes nonsense aside and seeks the one who whispered to her soul
Now awake, her eyes are those of angels able to see the spiritual phase as realistic
Aspirations take over her mind and cause her heart to find shelter
No longer gambling with finicky things and people who seemed to care
Driven by the force from her dreams that tells her happiness is far and beyond
In order to experience such a thing as success, she takes a voyage across a world no longer hers
She sees the things life has done to the beauty created by the one she loves the most
Tears overwhelm her internal beauty allowing anger to boil at a level that causes pain
Unable to face the ugliness that greed caused from every single man
Taken back to the thought of who she was before she was transformed into her new being
Understanding life is never easy and nothing given is really free, a price is paid somehow
She sees new opportunity in everything she is introduced too and things she stumbled upon
Changing her perception on life as whole and the methods in which she now travels
She is me in the current state of mind, the girl who wanted big but lived small
The one that chased after a vision that was planted in her womb before the stars were created
Heaven is her home now and she sits upon the billions who were called as she was
Destiny complete but the mission is still in full pursuit, to a paradise never seen before
A creation almost as beautiful as the sun saying hello and goodbye at the same time
Difficult for man to appreciate for her value has no monetary value but is rich beyond means
Set aside not for the satisfaction of a man, but for the one that created her for himself
Too see that such a creation as this, is rare, and can never be duplicated…so the mold was broken
She is who I was….who I continue to be…who I will end up like
She is me!
N’Shae 2007
It's Not Mine to Give
One of my favorites...I share this one with some of the young ladies in my youth group and others I mentor!
N’Shae
2007
It’s Not Mine To Give
Free your mind my brother for you are in over your head
My body is for me only...and not to be sleeping in your bed
I apologize if you thought this was all about you
But it's about the promise I made to God not a promise to my "boo"
So forgive me for being selfish and not willing to dare
But the love I have inside of me is for him whose last name I share
Yes I know you care about me and I am important to you too
But you don’t understand the holiness that I am going thru
See this is more than sharing something 'special' with me
This about my journey in life and not being compromising
I have to fight temptation and desires by all costs indeed
The reward in the end is what waters this old seed
See you don’t understand because your body controls you all day
My body is in check and my spirit is what guides the way
So take heed to these words and respect them or walk away
And a goodbye is in store if fornication is what will make you stay
So it's your choice... but my mind is made up on this issue
My body belongs to God, not myself... and definitely not you!
N’Shae
2007
LORD SHOW ME...
So one thing I received lately was the need to share my heart with the world for FREE! In obedience...ENJOY!
Lord Show Me…
Show me all your wondrous ways
Show me the former and latter days
Show me the secret places that you reside in
Show me the great picturesque ceilings of Heaven
Show me the room where you find rest
Show me the answers to all these tests
Show me the things never seen before by man
Show me the price of living with the worlds’ demand
Show me the depths of the ocean floor
Show me the paths to an open door
Show me your everlasting wisdom
Show me the wound I must grow from
Show me the paths of righteousness I must take
Show me the results of vows I break
Show me the light in which you lead and I follow
Show me the face of a man who is hollow
Show me the past and all its mistakes
Show me the children whom joy does embrace
Show me the ways in which you have prepared
Show me the steps to avoid frustration and despair
Show me the ambiance of holiness like no other
Show me the separation from flesh and its lover
Show me the peace you display all day
Show me the sun when the skies are gray
Show me the future in no particular order
Show me the sister who has no brother
Show me all these things and much more
Show me the way to walk into Heaven’s front door
N’Shae Feb. 2009
Lord Show Me…
Show me all your wondrous ways
Show me the former and latter days
Show me the secret places that you reside in
Show me the great picturesque ceilings of Heaven
Show me the room where you find rest
Show me the answers to all these tests
Show me the things never seen before by man
Show me the price of living with the worlds’ demand
Show me the depths of the ocean floor
Show me the paths to an open door
Show me your everlasting wisdom
Show me the wound I must grow from
Show me the paths of righteousness I must take
Show me the results of vows I break
Show me the light in which you lead and I follow
Show me the face of a man who is hollow
Show me the past and all its mistakes
Show me the children whom joy does embrace
Show me the ways in which you have prepared
Show me the steps to avoid frustration and despair
Show me the ambiance of holiness like no other
Show me the separation from flesh and its lover
Show me the peace you display all day
Show me the sun when the skies are gray
Show me the future in no particular order
Show me the sister who has no brother
Show me all these things and much more
Show me the way to walk into Heaven’s front door
N’Shae Feb. 2009
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Daddy's Girl
I am listening to "Shoho Love Song" by Bill Mays Trio on their album Going Home .
There is something to revere about listening to smooth jazz. You have to appreciate the musicians who create such beautiful stories in which no words are hardly ever spoken. This is simply pure talent of artist ability and skill.
Jazz music reminds me of epic love scenes in movies...you know the scene where the guy and the girl share a moment on the dance floor /love scene...or even when there seems to be a flashback of a memory between the two. This music also reminds me of my first love and the only love that I have other than my son, which is pure in its rarest form because that is how God created it to be. This love is the natural example in which I hold dearly within the walls of my heart because it serves as a reminder about the love between me and my God. The only love a daughter shares which can never be replaced even after marriage is that of her fathers. My dad was and is a music lover. I remember he would have records on top of records...which changed to cds on top of cds of music. He had all types of music, except for country I think! I remember as a little girl sitting with him, watching him arrange his music in a library all while listening to jazz. He use to clean the house with jazz playing and that has stuck with me ever since..heck I even do it this day. When I clean my house it also serves as a spiritual cleaning in a form of worship. It's hard to explain but I love when I can have a whole day to myself and just play music and clean up my house...because God usually has ALOT to say to me about my spiritual life as well as my natural home.
If you know me then you may know part of my story about how I was raised (but I will share that for another post). I was blessed to have a father who did not care about genetics, or skin color, or facial features, or last names. He loved me for me and he has always treated me as his own. He is the only man I knew as my dad until later on in life when a harsh reality set in. He is the man I grew up loving more and more because despite the slap in the faces and the discomfort of having to take a step back...he never allowed our relationship to fall apart. He is and will forever be my daddy. I will forever be his first born!
Lately I have been feeling a little lonely and I realized how much I missed my dad. See you have to know that my dad is the down to earth type of guy. He loves his family and enjoys spending time with them. Growing up my dad took us on adventures...and some of my best memories as a kid involved my daddy taking us to amusement parks, going swimming, road trips to visit family, hanging out at grandma's house with the other 2000 cousins, and so much more. Although his relationship with my mom did not last long, he never allowed that to interfere with what he and I shared. I enjoyed summer vacations to Ohio because it allowed me to spend time with my dad and just get away from Texas for a while. I remember in the 3rd grade we moved to Atlanta with my dad and I did not want to come back to Texas. I remember getting in trouble because a girl wrote "f--k u" on my hand in a permanent marker and I could not get it off. I remember getting in a fight with a boy during recess and having to serve ISS. I remember the birthday party he and my aunt had in which the kids had to stay upstairs. I remember the bunk beds my sister and I had and me on the top bunk just day dreaming! I remember the conversations my older cousin Chelle had on the phone with her boyfriend Damien lol. I remember how she and her friends use to dress like Salt n Pepper with the "mushroom" haircuts and big earrings. I remember the good times and even some of the bad ones...like when my cousin died in his dorm room from an asthma attack or when my great aunt past away and we all had to attend the funeral. Through it all...I remember my daddy being right there by myside and in the near future he will be right there by myside as I embrace the next level of life.
I owe a lot of who I am today because of my dad. Despite not making some of the best choices in life...he took care of me and my three younger sisters. Today he is a full time student going back to obtain his college degree. I love it! I can do nothing but respect the man he is today and the woman he helped raise me to be. I battled for the past couple of years how to balance life with two dads. How do I handle situations where one is not offended by the other one? Finally I stopped stressing about it and I realized that my relationships with both dads are different and for various reasons.
Today I called my dad just to talk to him. I love how easy it is to talk to him...heck it always has been. Even when I was growing up I could call and talk to him for hours. (This is the same with my relationship with God...I can sit and talk to him for hours and it is easy!) What I loved most about him was that he always remained a parent but he would listen as a friend. That was huge for me because at times it seemed my mom wouldn't listen and my other dad was not available to listen. My dad would listen and allow me to vent then he would give me his take on the situation which always included sound wisdom leading to a lecture about how I was wrong in the way I handled a situation. ( I never realized it until now that God was showing me in a natural what it was like with him in the spiritual....give me a minute for my praise break............................OK I'm back!) It was easy to listen to him and take correction because I knew it came from the heart. (Similar to when I do something that does not please God...I can come and repent and he still loves me even when he has to correct me!) He did not say things out of pure anger or bitterness. He did not yell as much as my mom would..but he still managed to get his point across. I love my dad but I also knew not to cross him. The last beating I took from him was almost 20 years ago...heck I learned at an early age what the other side of that belt felt like! lol
In our conversation he asked me if I a boyfriend. I told him no...not at this time because I need to finish with school so that I can have time to spend with that person. He then went on to tell me that I was like my mom...well he called me her #2. He said I was "too independent" and that would never work with a man! (Where have I heard this before? Oh yea that book I am reading) He said that although it is good to be independent in some things I cannot do it in everything and I cannot want a man just to pamper me or cuddle with me when I felt like it! He basically told me that if I did not want to end up single forever then there were some things I needed to change about myself or else I would never be in a happy relationship. He also talked to me about how people change AFTER they say their I Do's. I almost felt like this was a set up of some sort. I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues as it relates to the woman I was raised to be by my single parent mother...and the woman I desire to be based on how God has transformed my life.
At times in the past I could be very strong willed and even uncompromising. But when this occured I was not always aware of how it affected the person in the relationship with me because 9 times out of 10 they never mentioned it or I simply did not pick up on it. As my dad said to me tonight...I need a man who is going to be a man and not allow me to walk all over him. Sadly I have had a few in which this has happened and well...they are no longer around and I am still single! I am not happy about the woman I was in the past and I refuse for anyone to hold her against me today. If a person is not around the Natalie of 2011 and they are focused on the chick I was back in the day (even last year) then I have to bid them farewell and move around.
I have admitted the errors of my ways to myself and to my God. There were a few past boyfriends I had to even apologize to because they were really great guys and I allowed my pain from a childhood nightmare to affect how I related to them and that simply was not fair. I have noticed that a lot of people are not around to see the woman I am today and the changes happening within me everyday. My prayer is not to be accepted by others, because what they think does not matter. My prayer is to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, etc that God has created me to be.
I owe this post to my heavenly father and my natural father. Both have served as a reminder that blood has nothing to do with identity. What I look like is based on who I am raised by. I have seen a lot of men raise children whom they did not conceive, yet those children look JUST like them. That is me...as it relates to my dad here on earth and my daddy in the heavens watching over me every single day and every single moment. This is my Father's Day Shout Out to them both because without them I would not be who I am right now at this exact moment. So I ask...who do you look like?
Be blessed!
There is something to revere about listening to smooth jazz. You have to appreciate the musicians who create such beautiful stories in which no words are hardly ever spoken. This is simply pure talent of artist ability and skill.
Jazz music reminds me of epic love scenes in movies...you know the scene where the guy and the girl share a moment on the dance floor /love scene...or even when there seems to be a flashback of a memory between the two. This music also reminds me of my first love and the only love that I have other than my son, which is pure in its rarest form because that is how God created it to be. This love is the natural example in which I hold dearly within the walls of my heart because it serves as a reminder about the love between me and my God. The only love a daughter shares which can never be replaced even after marriage is that of her fathers. My dad was and is a music lover. I remember he would have records on top of records...which changed to cds on top of cds of music. He had all types of music, except for country I think! I remember as a little girl sitting with him, watching him arrange his music in a library all while listening to jazz. He use to clean the house with jazz playing and that has stuck with me ever since..heck I even do it this day. When I clean my house it also serves as a spiritual cleaning in a form of worship. It's hard to explain but I love when I can have a whole day to myself and just play music and clean up my house...because God usually has ALOT to say to me about my spiritual life as well as my natural home.
If you know me then you may know part of my story about how I was raised (but I will share that for another post). I was blessed to have a father who did not care about genetics, or skin color, or facial features, or last names. He loved me for me and he has always treated me as his own. He is the only man I knew as my dad until later on in life when a harsh reality set in. He is the man I grew up loving more and more because despite the slap in the faces and the discomfort of having to take a step back...he never allowed our relationship to fall apart. He is and will forever be my daddy. I will forever be his first born!
Lately I have been feeling a little lonely and I realized how much I missed my dad. See you have to know that my dad is the down to earth type of guy. He loves his family and enjoys spending time with them. Growing up my dad took us on adventures...and some of my best memories as a kid involved my daddy taking us to amusement parks, going swimming, road trips to visit family, hanging out at grandma's house with the other 2000 cousins, and so much more. Although his relationship with my mom did not last long, he never allowed that to interfere with what he and I shared. I enjoyed summer vacations to Ohio because it allowed me to spend time with my dad and just get away from Texas for a while. I remember in the 3rd grade we moved to Atlanta with my dad and I did not want to come back to Texas. I remember getting in trouble because a girl wrote "f--k u" on my hand in a permanent marker and I could not get it off. I remember getting in a fight with a boy during recess and having to serve ISS. I remember the birthday party he and my aunt had in which the kids had to stay upstairs. I remember the bunk beds my sister and I had and me on the top bunk just day dreaming! I remember the conversations my older cousin Chelle had on the phone with her boyfriend Damien lol. I remember how she and her friends use to dress like Salt n Pepper with the "mushroom" haircuts and big earrings. I remember the good times and even some of the bad ones...like when my cousin died in his dorm room from an asthma attack or when my great aunt past away and we all had to attend the funeral. Through it all...I remember my daddy being right there by myside and in the near future he will be right there by myside as I embrace the next level of life.
I owe a lot of who I am today because of my dad. Despite not making some of the best choices in life...he took care of me and my three younger sisters. Today he is a full time student going back to obtain his college degree. I love it! I can do nothing but respect the man he is today and the woman he helped raise me to be. I battled for the past couple of years how to balance life with two dads. How do I handle situations where one is not offended by the other one? Finally I stopped stressing about it and I realized that my relationships with both dads are different and for various reasons.
Today I called my dad just to talk to him. I love how easy it is to talk to him...heck it always has been. Even when I was growing up I could call and talk to him for hours. (This is the same with my relationship with God...I can sit and talk to him for hours and it is easy!) What I loved most about him was that he always remained a parent but he would listen as a friend. That was huge for me because at times it seemed my mom wouldn't listen and my other dad was not available to listen. My dad would listen and allow me to vent then he would give me his take on the situation which always included sound wisdom leading to a lecture about how I was wrong in the way I handled a situation. ( I never realized it until now that God was showing me in a natural what it was like with him in the spiritual....give me a minute for my praise break............................OK I'm back!) It was easy to listen to him and take correction because I knew it came from the heart. (Similar to when I do something that does not please God...I can come and repent and he still loves me even when he has to correct me!) He did not say things out of pure anger or bitterness. He did not yell as much as my mom would..but he still managed to get his point across. I love my dad but I also knew not to cross him. The last beating I took from him was almost 20 years ago...heck I learned at an early age what the other side of that belt felt like! lol
In our conversation he asked me if I a boyfriend. I told him no...not at this time because I need to finish with school so that I can have time to spend with that person. He then went on to tell me that I was like my mom...well he called me her #2. He said I was "too independent" and that would never work with a man! (Where have I heard this before? Oh yea that book I am reading) He said that although it is good to be independent in some things I cannot do it in everything and I cannot want a man just to pamper me or cuddle with me when I felt like it! He basically told me that if I did not want to end up single forever then there were some things I needed to change about myself or else I would never be in a happy relationship. He also talked to me about how people change AFTER they say their I Do's. I almost felt like this was a set up of some sort. I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues as it relates to the woman I was raised to be by my single parent mother...and the woman I desire to be based on how God has transformed my life.
At times in the past I could be very strong willed and even uncompromising. But when this occured I was not always aware of how it affected the person in the relationship with me because 9 times out of 10 they never mentioned it or I simply did not pick up on it. As my dad said to me tonight...I need a man who is going to be a man and not allow me to walk all over him. Sadly I have had a few in which this has happened and well...they are no longer around and I am still single! I am not happy about the woman I was in the past and I refuse for anyone to hold her against me today. If a person is not around the Natalie of 2011 and they are focused on the chick I was back in the day (even last year) then I have to bid them farewell and move around.
I have admitted the errors of my ways to myself and to my God. There were a few past boyfriends I had to even apologize to because they were really great guys and I allowed my pain from a childhood nightmare to affect how I related to them and that simply was not fair. I have noticed that a lot of people are not around to see the woman I am today and the changes happening within me everyday. My prayer is not to be accepted by others, because what they think does not matter. My prayer is to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, etc that God has created me to be.
I owe this post to my heavenly father and my natural father. Both have served as a reminder that blood has nothing to do with identity. What I look like is based on who I am raised by. I have seen a lot of men raise children whom they did not conceive, yet those children look JUST like them. That is me...as it relates to my dad here on earth and my daddy in the heavens watching over me every single day and every single moment. This is my Father's Day Shout Out to them both because without them I would not be who I am right now at this exact moment. So I ask...who do you look like?
Be blessed!
My Daddy!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Conversations
I have been reading this book titled The Conversation by Hill Harper and I must say that I cannot put this book down. I almost feel bad because there have been nights where I picked up this book before I cracked open one of the nine books I have for my graduate studies...but oh well. What is interesting about this book is how I acquired the book and what it is saying to me right now in my life.
See a great friend of mine (whom shall remain nameless) thought of me when she went to pick it up from a bookstore. Now I believe God does things strategically, so I will digress in assuming it was all a coincidence on how it came into my possession. The other part that blows my mind is the fact of when I received the book...both the timing and the location was incredible. See I had recently had a deep conversation with this same friend and over the weekend so many things became clear for the two of us. We realized we were more alike than we had ever known. It was a blessing to sit there and share our thoughts and unleash our hearts to each other, without worrying about being judged or ridiculed for how we felt. During the same conversation I had with her, an old schoolmate and I had a very transparent chat online. I was simply amazed at how similar our lives had been and blessed at how God had transformed their life in such a beautiful way. Growing up you never really know what takes place in someones personal life. We see the outside but we never have a clue of what is taking place on the inside.
I remember growing up with this person and always admired how outgoing they were and not really afraid to be bold and different. Although I was outgoing I did not have the self esteem to be truthful to whom I was created to be. At times I would hide what I was feeling out of fear of being judged and misunderstood. Never would I imagine that at the time there were others in my classes going through the same pain I was when it came to our parents. I see only a glimpse of the person they have become and I have nothing but respect for them and the God they serve. What is beautiful is how much our conversation blessed me and helped me address old wounds that have yet to heal within myself. As random as the conversation was it simply allowed me to open up as well as be a listening tool for someone else. What I adore about the Holy Spirit is how well he moves in and out of our lives and how he will draw us to others who are able to help us without really knowing it.
I am learning so much about myself. As I look into the mirror I can no longer see the woman I was 10 years ago let alone even last year. When I look at myself inwardly I cannot help but to wonder what I will look like 10 years from now when I am 39 years old. How long will I have been married? How many children did I decide to have with my husband? What does our home look like (not just our house)? Where did the ministry take us? How many lives were changed because God decided to use us? What will my children look like? Where would my oldest be (college)? Are we well off or has God simply blown our mind? This is only a small piece of what goes on in my mind daily.
It is not a secret that I think and dream big...I always have. I remember when I was younger I would watch MTV Cribs with my friends and I would say..."one day my house would be bigger than that, but I don't need the entire world to see it". I want more because I feel no one in my family has ever reached the level in which I aim for. I want to be the example for my children and even other family members. I want to be the one who can have conversations with my children and their spouses and share the wisdom God has given me and my husband to pass down to them. Like I said before I want to be the first in my immediate family to celebrate 50 years of marriage to the same man. There is no limit to where God is about to take me. I have stopped trying to tell God what I WANT him to look like and what I WANT him to do...I just trust God will send me what I need wrapped in what I want! (Thanks Pastor Ross).
After that conversation with both individuals I have come to accept the fact that whoever he is...he is closer than ever. I am not sure if he is simply waiting on a GO from God to approach me or if he is simply watching and observing me just as Boaz did with Ruth in the fields. All I know is this...I am so looking forward to our late night conversations and the friendship he and I will build together. I am looking forward to being that listening ear and that shoulder he can lean on. I am going in with the mindset of how can I serve him and not just what can he do for me. God is preparing me like never before and I am loving every minute of it. The waiting is hard at times (especially when you attend so many weddings on a single RSVP) but I know that this thing has to cook a little bit longer because of the magnitude of its power. I get why God said..."not now Natalie...just hold on a little while longer!"
See a great friend of mine (whom shall remain nameless) thought of me when she went to pick it up from a bookstore. Now I believe God does things strategically, so I will digress in assuming it was all a coincidence on how it came into my possession. The other part that blows my mind is the fact of when I received the book...both the timing and the location was incredible. See I had recently had a deep conversation with this same friend and over the weekend so many things became clear for the two of us. We realized we were more alike than we had ever known. It was a blessing to sit there and share our thoughts and unleash our hearts to each other, without worrying about being judged or ridiculed for how we felt. During the same conversation I had with her, an old schoolmate and I had a very transparent chat online. I was simply amazed at how similar our lives had been and blessed at how God had transformed their life in such a beautiful way. Growing up you never really know what takes place in someones personal life. We see the outside but we never have a clue of what is taking place on the inside.
I remember growing up with this person and always admired how outgoing they were and not really afraid to be bold and different. Although I was outgoing I did not have the self esteem to be truthful to whom I was created to be. At times I would hide what I was feeling out of fear of being judged and misunderstood. Never would I imagine that at the time there were others in my classes going through the same pain I was when it came to our parents. I see only a glimpse of the person they have become and I have nothing but respect for them and the God they serve. What is beautiful is how much our conversation blessed me and helped me address old wounds that have yet to heal within myself. As random as the conversation was it simply allowed me to open up as well as be a listening tool for someone else. What I adore about the Holy Spirit is how well he moves in and out of our lives and how he will draw us to others who are able to help us without really knowing it.
I am learning so much about myself. As I look into the mirror I can no longer see the woman I was 10 years ago let alone even last year. When I look at myself inwardly I cannot help but to wonder what I will look like 10 years from now when I am 39 years old. How long will I have been married? How many children did I decide to have with my husband? What does our home look like (not just our house)? Where did the ministry take us? How many lives were changed because God decided to use us? What will my children look like? Where would my oldest be (college)? Are we well off or has God simply blown our mind? This is only a small piece of what goes on in my mind daily.
It is not a secret that I think and dream big...I always have. I remember when I was younger I would watch MTV Cribs with my friends and I would say..."one day my house would be bigger than that, but I don't need the entire world to see it". I want more because I feel no one in my family has ever reached the level in which I aim for. I want to be the example for my children and even other family members. I want to be the one who can have conversations with my children and their spouses and share the wisdom God has given me and my husband to pass down to them. Like I said before I want to be the first in my immediate family to celebrate 50 years of marriage to the same man. There is no limit to where God is about to take me. I have stopped trying to tell God what I WANT him to look like and what I WANT him to do...I just trust God will send me what I need wrapped in what I want! (Thanks Pastor Ross).
After that conversation with both individuals I have come to accept the fact that whoever he is...he is closer than ever. I am not sure if he is simply waiting on a GO from God to approach me or if he is simply watching and observing me just as Boaz did with Ruth in the fields. All I know is this...I am so looking forward to our late night conversations and the friendship he and I will build together. I am looking forward to being that listening ear and that shoulder he can lean on. I am going in with the mindset of how can I serve him and not just what can he do for me. God is preparing me like never before and I am loving every minute of it. The waiting is hard at times (especially when you attend so many weddings on a single RSVP) but I know that this thing has to cook a little bit longer because of the magnitude of its power. I get why God said..."not now Natalie...just hold on a little while longer!"
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Transitions & Distractions
So I am learning different things about myself. In this season of my life I am undergoing certain transitions as God leads me into another dimension of life. Recently, I have learned to let go of things from my past which hindered me from moving forward. I will admit that recently I have not been myself or in the right mindset. I simply allowed myself to do whatever was pleasing to me at the time no matter the outcome, I was only focused on what was presently in front of me. As I grow older and wiser I am learning how much time and resources I have wasted by simply being lazy and not proactive.
A couple of weeks ago Bishop challenged us (the congregation) to make a list of things that matter and things that don't. There have been things that should have been thrown out years ago, yet I held on to them because I felt as if one day I would need them; however, that day never came. For example, I recently cleaned my garage and ended up throwing a lot of junk away that was not used since my mom was in the house. As I purged my garage I found some things which will not be discussed because I might get sick to my stomach again just thinking about it. But I realized that I have so much room and space to use if I simple throw away the trash I don't need and/or use. My garage is so clean now and every time I pull into my garage there is a sense of pride that comes along in which I can say "man it feels great to come home to a clean garage".
Well my spiritual life is a direct parallel to my home. I have noticed that when my house is a mess and cluttered it usually is a natural sign of where my spiritual life is at. Since returning back to work I have washed clothes and lived out of a basket because I don't have time to fold them and put them up, but I need them. My kitchen floor has not been bleached down like it usually is and there is sticky stuff from the man child making a mess, but I have not had time to clean it because my weekends are usually occupied with sporting events. Anyone who knows me, should know that my bathrooms have to be spotless in every aspect. While they are clean they are not were I normally have them. Life has recently taken control of me instead of me taking control of it. Work alone takes majority of my time since I am now coaching volleyball and later on basketball. Man child goes back to school tomorrow (8/22) and I have no clue how I am going to be in two places at one time. There have been friends and family who have called to check on me because I have just been MIA. On top of all of this, graduate school resumes tomorrow as well and I need to swing by DBU to get books and check on some other things all while getting the man child to practice and getting myself back to volleyball practice! WHEW.
When I tell you life has been moving full speed I am not lying. I should have been given a ticket for speeding through life. The song that comes to mind is "Slow Down" by India Arie. This songs speaks to my life to the core right now. Allow me to share the words.
"Slow Down"
So far from where I started out.
So far from where I wanna be.
Listening for answers in the wind,
But can't find a rock to plant my feet.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Down on my knees and now I'm praying for patience.
I know there's gotta be a better way.
In the back of my mind I hear my momma say
Slow down baby
ya goin to fast.
You got your hands in the air
With your Feet on the gas.
You 'bout to wreck your future,
Run from your past.
You need to slow down before you go down baby.
Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I thought that all of my obstacles were behind me.
Walking around like I'm made out of diamond.
I tripped and fell and it reminded me to move over and let the angels guide me.
Slow down baby
ya goin to fast.
You got your hands in the air
With your Feet on the gas.
You 'bout to wreck your future,
Run from your past.
You need to slow down before you go down baby.
Sometimes you gotta be still, before you can get ahead.
Be still, ask the universe for help be real.
You can't do it all by yourself... Ah, No...No...
See...every word of this song was written for me. I feel like I am moving so fast in life at this moment I am about to crash. I cannot tell if I am coming or going. In the course of all that is taking place in my life I feel like some things I need to get rid of and this includes financial restraints as well. So I have to take a step back and re-evaluate some people and other things in my life during this transition. It's just like when you get ready to move into a new home...things you lived with for years simply cannot go with you into the new home. This is where I am spiritually. Things I lived with for so many years cannot go with me into the next phase of life. People I had in my corner for so many years cannot go with me to the next level. Heck my next level has already begun and as you can see there are a few folks who are dearly departed.
I so am ready to be a wife to a great man, however I can understand God's postponement in allowing me to meet him. I don't have time at this moment and I am finally OK with admitting that. Maybe after May 2012 when I graduate with my Masters in Christian Education... and maybe after my first year of coaching is complete and I have the hang of it...and maybe once the man child get into the 7th grade where he will be at Life School with me then will I be able to focus on a relationship. Heck who knows what God has planned for me. But I will say that right now I understand the "Not Now Natalie" speech I was given. It would not be fair to my husband or me or the man child.
Now these distractions and carbon copies have to go. Any man who does not understand where I am at in life is not worth my time or attention. Any man who only wants to see me when he feels like it, is not worth my time or attention. Lately I have had the uncomfortable feeling that my time was being wasted and that is something I simply hate. So now matter how sweet and innocent a man may come off to be I thank God for discernment to show me what that man is really all about. I have thrown out trash before and I have no problem throwing it out again! Make sure if you are reading this you take a close self assessment of yourself before you respond! :)
Be blessed family and make sure your affairs are in order. 2012 is my year to walk into all that God has prepared for me this year. I do not have time to waste and house cleaning is well underway.
A couple of weeks ago Bishop challenged us (the congregation) to make a list of things that matter and things that don't. There have been things that should have been thrown out years ago, yet I held on to them because I felt as if one day I would need them; however, that day never came. For example, I recently cleaned my garage and ended up throwing a lot of junk away that was not used since my mom was in the house. As I purged my garage I found some things which will not be discussed because I might get sick to my stomach again just thinking about it. But I realized that I have so much room and space to use if I simple throw away the trash I don't need and/or use. My garage is so clean now and every time I pull into my garage there is a sense of pride that comes along in which I can say "man it feels great to come home to a clean garage".
Well my spiritual life is a direct parallel to my home. I have noticed that when my house is a mess and cluttered it usually is a natural sign of where my spiritual life is at. Since returning back to work I have washed clothes and lived out of a basket because I don't have time to fold them and put them up, but I need them. My kitchen floor has not been bleached down like it usually is and there is sticky stuff from the man child making a mess, but I have not had time to clean it because my weekends are usually occupied with sporting events. Anyone who knows me, should know that my bathrooms have to be spotless in every aspect. While they are clean they are not were I normally have them. Life has recently taken control of me instead of me taking control of it. Work alone takes majority of my time since I am now coaching volleyball and later on basketball. Man child goes back to school tomorrow (8/22) and I have no clue how I am going to be in two places at one time. There have been friends and family who have called to check on me because I have just been MIA. On top of all of this, graduate school resumes tomorrow as well and I need to swing by DBU to get books and check on some other things all while getting the man child to practice and getting myself back to volleyball practice! WHEW.
When I tell you life has been moving full speed I am not lying. I should have been given a ticket for speeding through life. The song that comes to mind is "Slow Down" by India Arie. This songs speaks to my life to the core right now. Allow me to share the words.
"Slow Down"
So far from where I started out.
So far from where I wanna be.
Listening for answers in the wind,
But can't find a rock to plant my feet.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Down on my knees and now I'm praying for patience.
I know there's gotta be a better way.
In the back of my mind I hear my momma say
Slow down baby
ya goin to fast.
You got your hands in the air
With your Feet on the gas.
You 'bout to wreck your future,
Run from your past.
You need to slow down before you go down baby.
Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I thought that all of my obstacles were behind me.
Walking around like I'm made out of diamond.
I tripped and fell and it reminded me to move over and let the angels guide me.
Slow down baby
ya goin to fast.
You got your hands in the air
With your Feet on the gas.
You 'bout to wreck your future,
Run from your past.
You need to slow down before you go down baby.
Sometimes you gotta be still, before you can get ahead.
Be still, ask the universe for help be real.
You can't do it all by yourself... Ah, No...No...
See...every word of this song was written for me. I feel like I am moving so fast in life at this moment I am about to crash. I cannot tell if I am coming or going. In the course of all that is taking place in my life I feel like some things I need to get rid of and this includes financial restraints as well. So I have to take a step back and re-evaluate some people and other things in my life during this transition. It's just like when you get ready to move into a new home...things you lived with for years simply cannot go with you into the new home. This is where I am spiritually. Things I lived with for so many years cannot go with me into the next phase of life. People I had in my corner for so many years cannot go with me to the next level. Heck my next level has already begun and as you can see there are a few folks who are dearly departed.
I so am ready to be a wife to a great man, however I can understand God's postponement in allowing me to meet him. I don't have time at this moment and I am finally OK with admitting that. Maybe after May 2012 when I graduate with my Masters in Christian Education... and maybe after my first year of coaching is complete and I have the hang of it...and maybe once the man child get into the 7th grade where he will be at Life School with me then will I be able to focus on a relationship. Heck who knows what God has planned for me. But I will say that right now I understand the "Not Now Natalie" speech I was given. It would not be fair to my husband or me or the man child.
Now these distractions and carbon copies have to go. Any man who does not understand where I am at in life is not worth my time or attention. Any man who only wants to see me when he feels like it, is not worth my time or attention. Lately I have had the uncomfortable feeling that my time was being wasted and that is something I simply hate. So now matter how sweet and innocent a man may come off to be I thank God for discernment to show me what that man is really all about. I have thrown out trash before and I have no problem throwing it out again! Make sure if you are reading this you take a close self assessment of yourself before you respond! :)
Be blessed family and make sure your affairs are in order. 2012 is my year to walk into all that God has prepared for me this year. I do not have time to waste and house cleaning is well underway.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Golden Curse (Exodus 32) - Part 2
I thank God for allowing us to come together and read his word and study it in depth. I am not sure why God has placed this in my heart to share but I know it is for at least one person. I pray that whoever this message is for you are able to eat it, digest it, and use it for your spiritual nutrition as a balanced diet. Pray...eat...and be blessed!
Continuing with Exodus 32 there was so much more the Lord shared with me to share with you. As we continue on through the passage we get to verse 5-7 in which we find the people celebrating after the golden calf was created.
5 Aaron saw how excited the people were, so he built an altar in front of the calf. Then he announced, “Tomorrow will be a festival to the Lord!”
6 The people got up early the next morning to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings. After this, they celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.
7 The Lord told Moses, “Quick! Go down the mountain! Your people whom you brought from the land of Egypt have corrupted themselves. 8 How quickly they have turned away from the way I commanded them to live! They have melted down gold and made a calf, and they have bowed down and sacrificed to it. They are saying, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.’”
What is interesting about this passage of scripture was the response of Aaron after he noticed the people were excited about his creation. It seemed as if he finally was recognized as a life saver, a leader, an answered help to the children of Israel. He was so excited about how the people responded, he announced a festival and then had the nerve to say it was for the Lord, as if God himself gave Aaron the anointing to create a false god on his behalf. The next morning the people got up to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings only to turn around and have a huge celebration doing almost everything that was offensive to God. How ironic is it that we too sometimes celebrate in our own mess. We have the nerve to take matters into our own hands and just when it looks like everything is working out according to OUR plan, we throw a party...we post it on facebook...we celebrate "getting over". We thank God for something we ourselves have done when God is simply shaking his head saying "these fools are tripping!" We lack faith in God to show us how to handle certain situations in our lives and we eventually end up doing something stupid in which we regret later.
In verse 7, God transitions from the being being "His people" to being "Moses' people". My question to God was, why did you not claim your people in verse 7? You went through all of this stuff with Moses and them only to turn your back on them the moment they offend you? I mean are you really that one sided? At the drop of a dime you can change your perception of your people in the instant we doing something not pleasing to you?
His answer to my question made so much sense to me. His answer was this...God cannot accept sin. He cannot take ownership to something or someone that is not holy. Sin cannot enter heaven because it is not allowed. It does not reflect who God is, nor who his son is. 1 John 3:4-6 reads 4 Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God. 5 And you know that Jesus came to take away our sins, and there is no sin in him. 6 Anyone who continues to live in him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know him or understand who he is. When the children of Israel started worshiping the calf; they operated in a method foreign and unacceptable by God. Sin rejects us from God's presence; however, it is acceptable and pleasing to man [Aaron]. This was Aaron's opportunity to get a title/position among the people...to win their favor away from Moses while Moses was away.
Be careful of the people you surround yourself with who are only seeking an opportunity to stab you in the back and throw you under the bus. Be mindful of friends and especially family members who are jealous of your anointing and the favor you have with God. Be aware of people who only ride with you because they have a chance to be on a platform to be seen and appreciated by others. One lesson I know I learned from this was to watch my inner circle because there will always be a Judas closer to me than I ever realized.
The scripture goes on and talks about the people's stubborn and rebellious ways. 9 Then the Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. 10 Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.”
Our impatience with God's timing causes us to become stubborn. We forget that we serve God, he does not serve us. When we don't get the things/answers we want; we tend to rebel. Think of it this way. Teenagers rebel against their parents because they feel as if their parents don't understand what they are dealing with. Sometime they rebel because their needs and wants are not being met according to their standards. Teens are very impatient and when their demands are not met within a reasonable amount of time they go and do things on their own. [I know I was once a teen myself and I work with them daily]. The trouble with this mindset is the kids have never experienced what their parents have. They are not aware of the world we live in and the trouble that energizes evil. Teens are not equipped or prepared to handle a lot of the situations they find themselves in (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). They find themselves involved in certain things because they feel resulting to these extreme situations will fulfill their desire to be appreciated and understood; when in reality it only draws them closer to death both spiritually and naturally. It also creates a wedge between their relationship with their parents.
This is how God is with us. We are the teens and he is the parent. We get tired and frustrated with waiting on God that we take matters into our own hands. We do things because we feel as if we know how to handle our own lives better than God can; when in actuality we don't. We are ready to find that husband, so we go on dating sites, we club, we do all of these outrageous things to go find that husband we long for. When we meet a dude he seems like everything we want on the outside but he really is Satan himself. (You do know that Satan is gorgeous right? Read your Bible) The guy we meet has a credit score of a -720, he has 6 kids by 5 different women, he is in between jobs because he is trying to start his own business for the 7th time, he never has money because he owes banks in overdraft fees, church to him means watching TBN or donating money to the SPCA or the Feed the Children specials, etc. But because he is fine and has "potential" for us to change him...we go with what we think is best for our lives and end up looking dumb in the end. Had we just waited on God a little while longer he would have placed us in the right place for the right man to find us. That man has to find you ladies! You should be so deep within the heart of God that the only way that man can access you is to have a connection with God in order to get the access code to find out WHERE you are
OK back to the scripture. We do things in our own will and out of the will of God. God takes his time to set provisions for us so that we don't ever have to play the "wonder game". I wonder if he is the one, I wonder if this is the job, I wonder if that is the house, I wonder if this is the church, I wonder this...I wonder that. When you have a relationship with God and you are submissive to his timing and his word...you never have to wonder about another thing EVER in your life. Trust me this is a testimony not a lecture! We end up killing ourselves and stressing ourselves out trying to do God's job. That is foolishness and a dangerous game to play. We become rebellious due to our stubborn hearts.
In verse 10 we see God's anger. Can you understand God's anger? It is like you helping someone whom you love (spouse/significant other) out of a tough situation. You love them so much that you made a huge sacrifice for them and you end up giving them almost everything because you love them so much and it pains you to see them in that situation. During the entire course, they know you are the one who provided for them and supported them through their hurt and pain and even a previous relationship [Egypt and the Pharaoh] yet they turn to the arms of their former lover [pagan gods/golden calf] because they "look" better or have a history with them. However, you are the one that did all the work, you are the one that made the sacrifices, you are the one that helped them out financially, you are the one that was there for them when everyone else turned their backs; yet you cannot get even a simple THANK YOU! This is what happened to God. The people he loved and set free ran to the arms of a tangible metal calf made by a man...a man that God created...metal that God created...fire that God created. They worshiped the things God created yet failed to worship the God whom created them. This was a slap in the face to God. Have you ever been slapped in the face? If so your initial reaction is not just pain but anger and even revenge. (Be honest you don't initially have that "turn the other cheek mentality" don't lie).
How many times has God gotten us out of situations and out of trouble, yet we thank everyone around us. We recognize the job who hired us so we could pay our bills, but we don't recognize the God who created the job and the position. We get awards and thank everyone who helped us to get to the level we are at, yet we don't thank the God who set the path of our lives before we were ever created in the uterus of our mothers. We thank Big Mama for taking care of us and being the backbone of our family, yet we don't thank the God who gave her life and strength to cover 4 generations. We thank everyone but God! We do this all the time, even I have done it. Yet we cannot seem to understand why God sometimes gets angry with us.
I am grateful that I serve a forgiving God. I serve a God who understands that when he created me there would be some issues I would be faced with. There was some pride that would come along and introduce itself to me and I would eat it. There would be an attitude that would date me and I would be married to it. There would be some insecurities I could not out run and I took them in. I serve a God who is a healer and a restorer. He saw my foolish ways and he got me out of so much trouble that I knew it was no one but God. I was more focused on me and my issues that I felt God could not have possibly cared enough or else he would not have allowed all of the bad things to happen. When in reality the bad things happened because of me. He loved me enough to say, yes she got herself in this mess but when I look at her I see my baby and I cannot leave her in there like that. I know she does not appreciate me now but when I am done with her I will be the only name she can utter. I know she is upset because of how she grew up but when I am done with her she will understand why I gave her the grace to survive. She cannot see it now, but she will one day. And because of that one day, that God had planned for me I am no longer the same. Because of that one day that Christ saw my face as he was nailed to the cross...I am free. Because of the love that God has for me and the fact that I belong to him is the only reason I can sit here and write this devotional.
Let it go and Let God. Get out of your own way. I promise you the moment you let go of your life and give it ALL to God you will be blown away at the things he has in store for you.
Continuing with Exodus 32 there was so much more the Lord shared with me to share with you. As we continue on through the passage we get to verse 5-7 in which we find the people celebrating after the golden calf was created.
5 Aaron saw how excited the people were, so he built an altar in front of the calf. Then he announced, “Tomorrow will be a festival to the Lord!”
6 The people got up early the next morning to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings. After this, they celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.
7 The Lord told Moses, “Quick! Go down the mountain! Your people whom you brought from the land of Egypt have corrupted themselves. 8 How quickly they have turned away from the way I commanded them to live! They have melted down gold and made a calf, and they have bowed down and sacrificed to it. They are saying, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.’”
What is interesting about this passage of scripture was the response of Aaron after he noticed the people were excited about his creation. It seemed as if he finally was recognized as a life saver, a leader, an answered help to the children of Israel. He was so excited about how the people responded, he announced a festival and then had the nerve to say it was for the Lord, as if God himself gave Aaron the anointing to create a false god on his behalf. The next morning the people got up to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings only to turn around and have a huge celebration doing almost everything that was offensive to God. How ironic is it that we too sometimes celebrate in our own mess. We have the nerve to take matters into our own hands and just when it looks like everything is working out according to OUR plan, we throw a party...we post it on facebook...we celebrate "getting over". We thank God for something we ourselves have done when God is simply shaking his head saying "these fools are tripping!" We lack faith in God to show us how to handle certain situations in our lives and we eventually end up doing something stupid in which we regret later.
In verse 7, God transitions from the being being "His people" to being "Moses' people". My question to God was, why did you not claim your people in verse 7? You went through all of this stuff with Moses and them only to turn your back on them the moment they offend you? I mean are you really that one sided? At the drop of a dime you can change your perception of your people in the instant we doing something not pleasing to you?
His answer to my question made so much sense to me. His answer was this...God cannot accept sin. He cannot take ownership to something or someone that is not holy. Sin cannot enter heaven because it is not allowed. It does not reflect who God is, nor who his son is. 1 John 3:4-6 reads 4 Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God. 5 And you know that Jesus came to take away our sins, and there is no sin in him. 6 Anyone who continues to live in him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know him or understand who he is. When the children of Israel started worshiping the calf; they operated in a method foreign and unacceptable by God. Sin rejects us from God's presence; however, it is acceptable and pleasing to man [Aaron]. This was Aaron's opportunity to get a title/position among the people...to win their favor away from Moses while Moses was away.
Be careful of the people you surround yourself with who are only seeking an opportunity to stab you in the back and throw you under the bus. Be mindful of friends and especially family members who are jealous of your anointing and the favor you have with God. Be aware of people who only ride with you because they have a chance to be on a platform to be seen and appreciated by others. One lesson I know I learned from this was to watch my inner circle because there will always be a Judas closer to me than I ever realized.
The scripture goes on and talks about the people's stubborn and rebellious ways. 9 Then the Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. 10 Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.”
Our impatience with God's timing causes us to become stubborn. We forget that we serve God, he does not serve us. When we don't get the things/answers we want; we tend to rebel. Think of it this way. Teenagers rebel against their parents because they feel as if their parents don't understand what they are dealing with. Sometime they rebel because their needs and wants are not being met according to their standards. Teens are very impatient and when their demands are not met within a reasonable amount of time they go and do things on their own. [I know I was once a teen myself and I work with them daily]. The trouble with this mindset is the kids have never experienced what their parents have. They are not aware of the world we live in and the trouble that energizes evil. Teens are not equipped or prepared to handle a lot of the situations they find themselves in (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). They find themselves involved in certain things because they feel resulting to these extreme situations will fulfill their desire to be appreciated and understood; when in reality it only draws them closer to death both spiritually and naturally. It also creates a wedge between their relationship with their parents.
This is how God is with us. We are the teens and he is the parent. We get tired and frustrated with waiting on God that we take matters into our own hands. We do things because we feel as if we know how to handle our own lives better than God can; when in actuality we don't. We are ready to find that husband, so we go on dating sites, we club, we do all of these outrageous things to go find that husband we long for. When we meet a dude he seems like everything we want on the outside but he really is Satan himself. (You do know that Satan is gorgeous right? Read your Bible) The guy we meet has a credit score of a -720, he has 6 kids by 5 different women, he is in between jobs because he is trying to start his own business for the 7th time, he never has money because he owes banks in overdraft fees, church to him means watching TBN or donating money to the SPCA or the Feed the Children specials, etc. But because he is fine and has "potential" for us to change him...we go with what we think is best for our lives and end up looking dumb in the end. Had we just waited on God a little while longer he would have placed us in the right place for the right man to find us. That man has to find you ladies! You should be so deep within the heart of God that the only way that man can access you is to have a connection with God in order to get the access code to find out WHERE you are
OK back to the scripture. We do things in our own will and out of the will of God. God takes his time to set provisions for us so that we don't ever have to play the "wonder game". I wonder if he is the one, I wonder if this is the job, I wonder if that is the house, I wonder if this is the church, I wonder this...I wonder that. When you have a relationship with God and you are submissive to his timing and his word...you never have to wonder about another thing EVER in your life. Trust me this is a testimony not a lecture! We end up killing ourselves and stressing ourselves out trying to do God's job. That is foolishness and a dangerous game to play. We become rebellious due to our stubborn hearts.
In verse 10 we see God's anger. Can you understand God's anger? It is like you helping someone whom you love (spouse/significant other) out of a tough situation. You love them so much that you made a huge sacrifice for them and you end up giving them almost everything because you love them so much and it pains you to see them in that situation. During the entire course, they know you are the one who provided for them and supported them through their hurt and pain and even a previous relationship [Egypt and the Pharaoh] yet they turn to the arms of their former lover [pagan gods/golden calf] because they "look" better or have a history with them. However, you are the one that did all the work, you are the one that made the sacrifices, you are the one that helped them out financially, you are the one that was there for them when everyone else turned their backs; yet you cannot get even a simple THANK YOU! This is what happened to God. The people he loved and set free ran to the arms of a tangible metal calf made by a man...a man that God created...metal that God created...fire that God created. They worshiped the things God created yet failed to worship the God whom created them. This was a slap in the face to God. Have you ever been slapped in the face? If so your initial reaction is not just pain but anger and even revenge. (Be honest you don't initially have that "turn the other cheek mentality" don't lie).
How many times has God gotten us out of situations and out of trouble, yet we thank everyone around us. We recognize the job who hired us so we could pay our bills, but we don't recognize the God who created the job and the position. We get awards and thank everyone who helped us to get to the level we are at, yet we don't thank the God who set the path of our lives before we were ever created in the uterus of our mothers. We thank Big Mama for taking care of us and being the backbone of our family, yet we don't thank the God who gave her life and strength to cover 4 generations. We thank everyone but God! We do this all the time, even I have done it. Yet we cannot seem to understand why God sometimes gets angry with us.
I am grateful that I serve a forgiving God. I serve a God who understands that when he created me there would be some issues I would be faced with. There was some pride that would come along and introduce itself to me and I would eat it. There would be an attitude that would date me and I would be married to it. There would be some insecurities I could not out run and I took them in. I serve a God who is a healer and a restorer. He saw my foolish ways and he got me out of so much trouble that I knew it was no one but God. I was more focused on me and my issues that I felt God could not have possibly cared enough or else he would not have allowed all of the bad things to happen. When in reality the bad things happened because of me. He loved me enough to say, yes she got herself in this mess but when I look at her I see my baby and I cannot leave her in there like that. I know she does not appreciate me now but when I am done with her I will be the only name she can utter. I know she is upset because of how she grew up but when I am done with her she will understand why I gave her the grace to survive. She cannot see it now, but she will one day. And because of that one day, that God had planned for me I am no longer the same. Because of that one day that Christ saw my face as he was nailed to the cross...I am free. Because of the love that God has for me and the fact that I belong to him is the only reason I can sit here and write this devotional.
Let it go and Let God. Get out of your own way. I promise you the moment you let go of your life and give it ALL to God you will be blown away at the things he has in store for you.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Golden Curse (Exodus 32) - Part 1
I pray that the words that God has shared with me are a blessing to you. I pray that as God opens up my heart to share His word with you that you to are transformed. I only stand in obedience to be used by God to reach His people in a method foreign to others but receptive to most. I pray that you are blessed by the devotionals I have been instructed to share with you
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New Living Translation (NLT)
Exodus 32
The Gold Calf
1 When the people saw how long it was taking Moses to come back down the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. “Come on,” they said, “make us some gods who can lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.”
2 So Aaron said, “Take the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters, and bring them to me.”
3 All the people took the gold rings from their ears and brought them to Aaron. 4 Then Aaron took the gold, melted it down, and molded it into the shape of a calf. When the people saw it, they exclaimed, “O Israel, these are the gods who brought you out of the land of Egypt!”
5 Aaron saw how excited the people were, so he built an altar in front of the calf. Then he announced, “Tomorrow will be a festival to the Lord!”
6 The people got up early the next morning to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings. After this, they celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.
7 The Lord told Moses, “Quick! Go down the mountain! Your people whom you brought from the land of Egypt have corrupted themselves. 8 How quickly they have turned away from the way I commanded them to live! They have melted down gold and made a calf, and they have bowed down and sacrificed to it. They are saying, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.’”
9 Then the Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. 10 Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.”
11 But Moses tried to pacify the Lord his God. “O Lord!” he said. “Why are you so angry with your own people whom you brought from the land of Egypt with such great power and such a strong hand? 12 Why let the Egyptians say, ‘Their God rescued them with the evil intention of slaughtering them in the mountains and wiping them from the face of the earth’? Turn away from your fierce anger. Change your mind about this terrible disaster you have threatened against your people! 13 Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.[a] You bound yourself with an oath to them, saying, ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars of heaven. And I will give them all of this land that I have promised to your descendants, and they will possess it forever.’”
14 So the Lord changed his mind about the terrible disaster he had threatened to bring on his people.
15 Then Moses turned and went down the mountain. He held in his hands the two stone tablets inscribed with the terms of the covenant.[b] They were inscribed on both sides, front and back. 16 These tablets were God’s work; the words on them were written by God himself.
17 When Joshua heard the boisterous noise of the people shouting below them, he exclaimed to Moses, “It sounds like war in the camp!”
18 But Moses replied, “No, it’s not a shout of victory nor the wailing of defeat. I hear the sound of a celebration.”
19 When they came near the camp, Moses saw the calf and the dancing, and he burned with anger. He threw the stone tablets to the ground, smashing them at the foot of the mountain. 20 He took the calf they had made and burned it. Then he ground it into powder, threw it into the water, and forced the people to drink it.
21 Finally, he turned to Aaron and demanded, “What did these people do to you to make you bring such terrible sin upon them?”
22 “Don’t get so upset, my lord,” Aaron replied. “You yourself know how evil these people are. 23 They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.’ 24 So I told them, ‘Whoever has gold jewelry, take it off.’ When they brought it to me, I simply threw it into the fire—and out came this calf!”
25 Moses saw that Aaron had let the people get completely out of control, much to the amusement of their enemies.[c] 26 So he stood at the entrance to the camp and shouted, “All of you who are on the Lord’s side, come here and join me.” And all the Levites gathered around him.
27 Moses told them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: Each of you, take your swords and go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other. Kill everyone—even your brothers, friends, and neighbors.” 28 The Levites obeyed Moses’ command, and about 3,000 people died that day.
29 Then Moses told the Levites, “Today you have ordained yourselves[d] for the service of the Lord, for you obeyed him even though it meant killing your own sons and brothers. Today you have earned a blessing.”
Moses Intercedes for Israel
30 The next day Moses said to the people, “You have committed a terrible sin, but I will go back up to the Lord on the mountain. Perhaps I will be able to obtain forgiveness[e] for your sin.”
31 So Moses returned to the Lord and said, “Oh, what a terrible sin these people have committed. They have made gods of gold for themselves. 32 But now, if you will only forgive their sin—but if not, erase my name from the record you have written!”
33 But the Lord replied to Moses, “No, I will erase the name of everyone who has sinned against me. 34 Now go, lead the people to the place I told you about. Look! My angel will lead the way before you. And when I come to call the people to account, I will certainly hold them responsible for their sins.”
35 Then the Lord sent a great plague upon the people because they had worshiped the calf Aaron had made.
There was so much the Lord spoke to me about this passage and I will have to separate it by verse as it was given to me. The story of the Golden Calf should be familiar to many believers because it is a story of rebellion and impatience. It is a story in which we learn as believers what God will tolerate and what He will not. It is a story that serves as a type and shadow of Moses and Jesus; how Moses intercedes on behalf of the children of Israel and how Jesus intercedes on our behalf to the Father constantly. It is a story that teaches us there are consequences for our actions both good and bad. It is a story in which we see the anger of God yet are able to encounter the mercy and grace of God.
The story begins with the children of Israel growing impatient with Moses who was still on top of the mountain talking to God for them. They went to Aaron and asked him to make them gods in which they could follow since Moses was basically MIA (missing in action). Aaron agrees in v.2 So Aaron said, “Take the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters, and bring them to me.” Now what is interesting about Aaron's response was not only did he agree, but more so the fact that he was addressing the men, the husbands, and the fathers. The gold rings were a sign of slavery/bondage while they were in Egypt. Aaron only asked for the gold of the wives (reproduction), sons (next generation of leaders), and daughters (reproduction for the next generations to come)...he did not ask for the gold of the men. [why is this?] Only the men remained in bondage while their families were released. The head of the family unit was not yet released ;however, everything up under him was...the wife, the son, and the daughter. If the head of a body is still in captivity then the entire body remains in captivity regardless if the arms and the legs are free. The body follows where the head goes. Think about it this way, if you put someone in a head lock you control their head by having a grip around their neck. Wherever you take that person's head their body has to follow as well. Although the body was released the head was not. This is what was taking place with God's people. For so many generations the body (wife, son, daughter) was released however the head (husband/father) was still in captivity. This is the reason Jesus had to come to Earth in the form of man in order to release the body of Christ. Once he died and rose again the head was released therefore allowing the rest of humanity to be free.
We are also slowly seeing this within our own homes. And in this season God is calling for a restructure of the house. He is calling his sons back into their rightful places as men, as husbands, as fathers. I myself have seen this transformation take place even in my own personal life. My son's father has really grown and matured over the past 2-3 years. He has even found himself a wife and one whom I get along with great. He has a sense of peace about himself and in his home. He has even started taking a more active role in our sons life and that was a prayer answered from many years ago. I can see how God has restored their relationship to the point where my son actually wants to go spend time with his dad and step mother...this has never been the case prior. I knew no one could do this but God. But as a mother I also knew I had to take my hands and mouth off of this man and allow God to step in and do what he needed to do. Sometimes as women we get impatient and take matters into our own hands. Other times when we don't get our way we run off at the mouth and we end up killing our men before they even have a chance of redemption and we cannot seem to understand why they are still falling by the waste side, when we are the ones undermining God's authority and adding our won two cents when we really need to sit down and simply SHUT UP! (But that part of my life is another blog for the future).
For years the women have been the head of households...raising children, working multiple jobs, paying the bills, maintaining the house, etc. We are slowly seeing a transition taking place in which the men are being released in this season. We are slowly seeing the call for men to step forward and take their rightful place among God's children and in their homes. The enemy knows that if he can cut off the head of a body then the entire body will crumble and die. As a culture we have seen this happen for decades if not centuries. We have witnessed the enemy take control of our men, our husbands, our fathers, and our sons; and break them down to a level in which they no longer recognized themselves. They no longer saw their power that came from God, they no longer recognized their purpose in life. They became deaf to the voice of God and as a result were lost for so long...
Aaron only asked for the rings out of their ears...not their noses, or their necks, or their arms, or their feet....only their ears! Releasing their ears allowed them to be able to hear. Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ. At the same time their ears were being released from their rings of gold; the Word of God was being spoken to Moses on top of the mountain. As a mother I tell my son that I have satellite ears and it was a gift God gave me the moment I became a mother. For some reason a mother can hear at a higher level than she could prior to becoming a mother. The same can be stated on a spiritual level. The moment we are freed from our bondage of slavery we are able to hear things from God on a level in which we were not prior accustomed to. This is our indication that freedom has taken place. Recently my Bishop challenge us to go deeper in our devotionals during the week and my ears have been burning ever since because of what God has placed in them; hence the reason for the blogs. We have to be obedient to His word and know when to simply be still. Bishop also told us that God has answers prepared for us, we just cannot hear them because we have to get closer to God in order to understand. This is where we as believers should be DAILY...not once a week or twice a month...DAILY.
[Back to the passage]
What is interesting about the men at this time was that, they were quick to release their wives and their children; however, they never thought to release themselves. The men petitioned a high priest [Aaron] to create gods in which they could SEE not HEAR. They were not concerned about what God was SAYING to Moses on top of the mountain. They wanted to see something tangible in order to follow it. It is amazing because this same mindset continues to torment many men today. So many times I meet men who are focused on what they can see rather than listening to God and following his direction over their lives. A lot of men like bright flashy metal objects...oh you think I am lying and being harsh... try me. Men like cars, and rims, and money, and big houses, and electronics, and other gadgets, and so many other flashy shiny things. There are so many songs playing on radios today that continue to feed this alter ego mindset of men as they seek these tangible objects for personal satisfaction, rather than seeking God for his eternal satisfaction and stability.This mindset has not changed at all. The deal breaker was that if there was to be a golden calf created then the sacrifice would be the head of the house; in order for their wants and desires to be fulfilled. What the men did not know at this time was that although there was a request being honored the price to pay far exceeded that of gold rings. Eventually the price to be paid would be death. This is what sin does...it leads us to a life of death and separation from God.
Since their ears were still covered in the gold from their past they were not able to hear and receive the directions and provisions God was making for them. They maintained a mindset of slavery in which they were forever subjective to based on the Egyptian customs and philosophies. Their concept of servings gods [plural] was correct however their method in which they intended to carry out their worship was wrong. We serve a great God who operates in the trinity being of one body. The men asked for a [singular] golden calf yet referred to it as gods; one body multiple positions. We serve ONE God however we also understand that within that ONE God is the Father; the Son; and the Holy Spirit. Their concept was correct their method was corrupt.
As we reflect back over God's word and his teaching we must re-evaluate our own situations. What is covering our ears from hearing the Word of God in our own lives? What continues to hold us hostage in a mindset of slavery to sin that we cannot rid ourselves due to our impatience and lack of knowledge [ignorance]? What have we allowed the enemy to bribe us with in order to get a cheap low budget satisfaction that we have traded our freedom for a temporary high or fix? What is it that we are locked up in (bondage) behind because we want to stay in our old mindsets and ways of doing things? These are just a few questions we should be asking ourselves in order to know if we have really surrendered ourselves over to God completely. Have we given God all of us? Are we patient enough to wait for His word to come to us in God's timing and not our own? What are you still holding on to that is blocking your ability to hear God clearly? Think about it!
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New Living Translation (NLT)
Exodus 32
The Gold Calf
1 When the people saw how long it was taking Moses to come back down the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. “Come on,” they said, “make us some gods who can lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.”
2 So Aaron said, “Take the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters, and bring them to me.”
3 All the people took the gold rings from their ears and brought them to Aaron. 4 Then Aaron took the gold, melted it down, and molded it into the shape of a calf. When the people saw it, they exclaimed, “O Israel, these are the gods who brought you out of the land of Egypt!”
5 Aaron saw how excited the people were, so he built an altar in front of the calf. Then he announced, “Tomorrow will be a festival to the Lord!”
6 The people got up early the next morning to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings. After this, they celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.
7 The Lord told Moses, “Quick! Go down the mountain! Your people whom you brought from the land of Egypt have corrupted themselves. 8 How quickly they have turned away from the way I commanded them to live! They have melted down gold and made a calf, and they have bowed down and sacrificed to it. They are saying, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.’”
9 Then the Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. 10 Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.”
11 But Moses tried to pacify the Lord his God. “O Lord!” he said. “Why are you so angry with your own people whom you brought from the land of Egypt with such great power and such a strong hand? 12 Why let the Egyptians say, ‘Their God rescued them with the evil intention of slaughtering them in the mountains and wiping them from the face of the earth’? Turn away from your fierce anger. Change your mind about this terrible disaster you have threatened against your people! 13 Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.[a] You bound yourself with an oath to them, saying, ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars of heaven. And I will give them all of this land that I have promised to your descendants, and they will possess it forever.’”
14 So the Lord changed his mind about the terrible disaster he had threatened to bring on his people.
15 Then Moses turned and went down the mountain. He held in his hands the two stone tablets inscribed with the terms of the covenant.[b] They were inscribed on both sides, front and back. 16 These tablets were God’s work; the words on them were written by God himself.
17 When Joshua heard the boisterous noise of the people shouting below them, he exclaimed to Moses, “It sounds like war in the camp!”
18 But Moses replied, “No, it’s not a shout of victory nor the wailing of defeat. I hear the sound of a celebration.”
19 When they came near the camp, Moses saw the calf and the dancing, and he burned with anger. He threw the stone tablets to the ground, smashing them at the foot of the mountain. 20 He took the calf they had made and burned it. Then he ground it into powder, threw it into the water, and forced the people to drink it.
21 Finally, he turned to Aaron and demanded, “What did these people do to you to make you bring such terrible sin upon them?”
22 “Don’t get so upset, my lord,” Aaron replied. “You yourself know how evil these people are. 23 They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.’ 24 So I told them, ‘Whoever has gold jewelry, take it off.’ When they brought it to me, I simply threw it into the fire—and out came this calf!”
25 Moses saw that Aaron had let the people get completely out of control, much to the amusement of their enemies.[c] 26 So he stood at the entrance to the camp and shouted, “All of you who are on the Lord’s side, come here and join me.” And all the Levites gathered around him.
27 Moses told them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: Each of you, take your swords and go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other. Kill everyone—even your brothers, friends, and neighbors.” 28 The Levites obeyed Moses’ command, and about 3,000 people died that day.
29 Then Moses told the Levites, “Today you have ordained yourselves[d] for the service of the Lord, for you obeyed him even though it meant killing your own sons and brothers. Today you have earned a blessing.”
Moses Intercedes for Israel
30 The next day Moses said to the people, “You have committed a terrible sin, but I will go back up to the Lord on the mountain. Perhaps I will be able to obtain forgiveness[e] for your sin.”
31 So Moses returned to the Lord and said, “Oh, what a terrible sin these people have committed. They have made gods of gold for themselves. 32 But now, if you will only forgive their sin—but if not, erase my name from the record you have written!”
33 But the Lord replied to Moses, “No, I will erase the name of everyone who has sinned against me. 34 Now go, lead the people to the place I told you about. Look! My angel will lead the way before you. And when I come to call the people to account, I will certainly hold them responsible for their sins.”
35 Then the Lord sent a great plague upon the people because they had worshiped the calf Aaron had made.
There was so much the Lord spoke to me about this passage and I will have to separate it by verse as it was given to me. The story of the Golden Calf should be familiar to many believers because it is a story of rebellion and impatience. It is a story in which we learn as believers what God will tolerate and what He will not. It is a story that serves as a type and shadow of Moses and Jesus; how Moses intercedes on behalf of the children of Israel and how Jesus intercedes on our behalf to the Father constantly. It is a story that teaches us there are consequences for our actions both good and bad. It is a story in which we see the anger of God yet are able to encounter the mercy and grace of God.
The story begins with the children of Israel growing impatient with Moses who was still on top of the mountain talking to God for them. They went to Aaron and asked him to make them gods in which they could follow since Moses was basically MIA (missing in action). Aaron agrees in v.2 So Aaron said, “Take the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters, and bring them to me.” Now what is interesting about Aaron's response was not only did he agree, but more so the fact that he was addressing the men, the husbands, and the fathers. The gold rings were a sign of slavery/bondage while they were in Egypt. Aaron only asked for the gold of the wives (reproduction), sons (next generation of leaders), and daughters (reproduction for the next generations to come)...he did not ask for the gold of the men. [why is this?] Only the men remained in bondage while their families were released. The head of the family unit was not yet released ;however, everything up under him was...the wife, the son, and the daughter. If the head of a body is still in captivity then the entire body remains in captivity regardless if the arms and the legs are free. The body follows where the head goes. Think about it this way, if you put someone in a head lock you control their head by having a grip around their neck. Wherever you take that person's head their body has to follow as well. Although the body was released the head was not. This is what was taking place with God's people. For so many generations the body (wife, son, daughter) was released however the head (husband/father) was still in captivity. This is the reason Jesus had to come to Earth in the form of man in order to release the body of Christ. Once he died and rose again the head was released therefore allowing the rest of humanity to be free.
We are also slowly seeing this within our own homes. And in this season God is calling for a restructure of the house. He is calling his sons back into their rightful places as men, as husbands, as fathers. I myself have seen this transformation take place even in my own personal life. My son's father has really grown and matured over the past 2-3 years. He has even found himself a wife and one whom I get along with great. He has a sense of peace about himself and in his home. He has even started taking a more active role in our sons life and that was a prayer answered from many years ago. I can see how God has restored their relationship to the point where my son actually wants to go spend time with his dad and step mother...this has never been the case prior. I knew no one could do this but God. But as a mother I also knew I had to take my hands and mouth off of this man and allow God to step in and do what he needed to do. Sometimes as women we get impatient and take matters into our own hands. Other times when we don't get our way we run off at the mouth and we end up killing our men before they even have a chance of redemption and we cannot seem to understand why they are still falling by the waste side, when we are the ones undermining God's authority and adding our won two cents when we really need to sit down and simply SHUT UP! (But that part of my life is another blog for the future).
For years the women have been the head of households...raising children, working multiple jobs, paying the bills, maintaining the house, etc. We are slowly seeing a transition taking place in which the men are being released in this season. We are slowly seeing the call for men to step forward and take their rightful place among God's children and in their homes. The enemy knows that if he can cut off the head of a body then the entire body will crumble and die. As a culture we have seen this happen for decades if not centuries. We have witnessed the enemy take control of our men, our husbands, our fathers, and our sons; and break them down to a level in which they no longer recognized themselves. They no longer saw their power that came from God, they no longer recognized their purpose in life. They became deaf to the voice of God and as a result were lost for so long...
Aaron only asked for the rings out of their ears...not their noses, or their necks, or their arms, or their feet....only their ears! Releasing their ears allowed them to be able to hear. Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ. At the same time their ears were being released from their rings of gold; the Word of God was being spoken to Moses on top of the mountain. As a mother I tell my son that I have satellite ears and it was a gift God gave me the moment I became a mother. For some reason a mother can hear at a higher level than she could prior to becoming a mother. The same can be stated on a spiritual level. The moment we are freed from our bondage of slavery we are able to hear things from God on a level in which we were not prior accustomed to. This is our indication that freedom has taken place. Recently my Bishop challenge us to go deeper in our devotionals during the week and my ears have been burning ever since because of what God has placed in them; hence the reason for the blogs. We have to be obedient to His word and know when to simply be still. Bishop also told us that God has answers prepared for us, we just cannot hear them because we have to get closer to God in order to understand. This is where we as believers should be DAILY...not once a week or twice a month...DAILY.
[Back to the passage]
What is interesting about the men at this time was that, they were quick to release their wives and their children; however, they never thought to release themselves. The men petitioned a high priest [Aaron] to create gods in which they could SEE not HEAR. They were not concerned about what God was SAYING to Moses on top of the mountain. They wanted to see something tangible in order to follow it. It is amazing because this same mindset continues to torment many men today. So many times I meet men who are focused on what they can see rather than listening to God and following his direction over their lives. A lot of men like bright flashy metal objects...oh you think I am lying and being harsh... try me. Men like cars, and rims, and money, and big houses, and electronics, and other gadgets, and so many other flashy shiny things. There are so many songs playing on radios today that continue to feed this alter ego mindset of men as they seek these tangible objects for personal satisfaction, rather than seeking God for his eternal satisfaction and stability.This mindset has not changed at all. The deal breaker was that if there was to be a golden calf created then the sacrifice would be the head of the house; in order for their wants and desires to be fulfilled. What the men did not know at this time was that although there was a request being honored the price to pay far exceeded that of gold rings. Eventually the price to be paid would be death. This is what sin does...it leads us to a life of death and separation from God.
Since their ears were still covered in the gold from their past they were not able to hear and receive the directions and provisions God was making for them. They maintained a mindset of slavery in which they were forever subjective to based on the Egyptian customs and philosophies. Their concept of servings gods [plural] was correct however their method in which they intended to carry out their worship was wrong. We serve a great God who operates in the trinity being of one body. The men asked for a [singular] golden calf yet referred to it as gods; one body multiple positions. We serve ONE God however we also understand that within that ONE God is the Father; the Son; and the Holy Spirit. Their concept was correct their method was corrupt.
As we reflect back over God's word and his teaching we must re-evaluate our own situations. What is covering our ears from hearing the Word of God in our own lives? What continues to hold us hostage in a mindset of slavery to sin that we cannot rid ourselves due to our impatience and lack of knowledge [ignorance]? What have we allowed the enemy to bribe us with in order to get a cheap low budget satisfaction that we have traded our freedom for a temporary high or fix? What is it that we are locked up in (bondage) behind because we want to stay in our old mindsets and ways of doing things? These are just a few questions we should be asking ourselves in order to know if we have really surrendered ourselves over to God completely. Have we given God all of us? Are we patient enough to wait for His word to come to us in God's timing and not our own? What are you still holding on to that is blocking your ability to hear God clearly? Think about it!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Dear Adam
I always have this feeling that my husband will be reading my blog without my knowledge so I write him letters and post them so that he is aware that I am praying and thinking of him. I like to think that our spirits sometimes leave our bodies in our sleep and meet in the heavens just to sit and talk as we patiently await for God to unlock the mysteries of the spiritual so that our natural bodies can experience what our spirits have already developed. I sometimes think that as he is reading my words I post for the world to see; he understands they are only meant for the heart of ONE and in this moment where we are being refined he knows that his wife will forever embrace the beauty of time.
My Adam,
I am constantly praying for you. Since you have yet to be given access to me I can only write you these letters in secrecy for the entire world to see. I guess my mindset is why wait for you to be present with me before I confess my undying love for you semi-intimately. Granted I don't know your name or even recognize your face; however I know that there is a connection between us that I long to embrace. Just to see you smile as you acknowledge the beauty I hold and understand the pride that God allows you to unfold mesmerizes me beyond capacity. I adore your strength, your courage, your faith. I admire your wisdom, your style, your grace. I appreciate the sacrifices you continue to make, for a man of your stature is not easy to break. Thank you for holding me, for loving me, for just being there. Thank you for your friendship and the kind words that you share. Thank you for your time, your energy and more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through this unopened door. For God as allowed us to enter into a state in which many only long for. He has seen our heart's desires and the things that we have hoped for. I pray for you always and carry you in my heart. I long for the day in which we can hear "let no man tare them apart". I admire you for the man of God you are and how you allow his words to be synchronized in your heart. Understand that I am a lady awaiting your arrival and in that moments time we can be two beings acting as one in this life of survival. You are my king, my leader, my strength...you are the only one who can be deemed heaven sent. Thank you for your patience as God continues to mold me, because I was not quite the wife you wanted nor the wife I needed to be. I am on my way... this diamond in the rough. But God has put me in a secret place where only you have the knowledge of. So I will wait ever so quietly for God to reveal to you where I stand; and praying that with ever step you take...it only transitions you into a better man.
With all my love,
Your Rib
My Adam,
I am constantly praying for you. Since you have yet to be given access to me I can only write you these letters in secrecy for the entire world to see. I guess my mindset is why wait for you to be present with me before I confess my undying love for you semi-intimately. Granted I don't know your name or even recognize your face; however I know that there is a connection between us that I long to embrace. Just to see you smile as you acknowledge the beauty I hold and understand the pride that God allows you to unfold mesmerizes me beyond capacity. I adore your strength, your courage, your faith. I admire your wisdom, your style, your grace. I appreciate the sacrifices you continue to make, for a man of your stature is not easy to break. Thank you for holding me, for loving me, for just being there. Thank you for your friendship and the kind words that you share. Thank you for your time, your energy and more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through this unopened door. For God as allowed us to enter into a state in which many only long for. He has seen our heart's desires and the things that we have hoped for. I pray for you always and carry you in my heart. I long for the day in which we can hear "let no man tare them apart". I admire you for the man of God you are and how you allow his words to be synchronized in your heart. Understand that I am a lady awaiting your arrival and in that moments time we can be two beings acting as one in this life of survival. You are my king, my leader, my strength...you are the only one who can be deemed heaven sent. Thank you for your patience as God continues to mold me, because I was not quite the wife you wanted nor the wife I needed to be. I am on my way... this diamond in the rough. But God has put me in a secret place where only you have the knowledge of. So I will wait ever so quietly for God to reveal to you where I stand; and praying that with ever step you take...it only transitions you into a better man.
With all my love,
Your Rib
Monday, July 4, 2011
"I Will Wait For You "- P4CM Official Poet Janette
This chick is a beast...she speaks directly as if she interviewed me and wrote all that I was thinking and feeling in this piece. By far my favorite.
My Honey
He makes me wonder what life could possibly be; if it has granted me an opportunity to embrace a sweet passion that has been foreign to me.
Perhaps a taste of something I've never been fortunate to enjoy, is sitting close to me with an aroma my soul has longed for.
His words are like honey which draws me closer as if I'm a wondering bee, searching for the one that drives my curiosity while my yearning is fulfilled by the touch of his generosity.
No one has ever intrigued me from a distance like such a man; a term used lightly due to my recent experiences..
The Master created a perfect piece of art the day he created this human. The ambiance of perfection, reflection, and expectation is within the very reach of my heart's demand.
Perhaps a taste of something I've never been fortunate to enjoy, is sitting close to me with an aroma my soul has longed for.
His words are like honey which draws me closer as if I'm a wondering bee, searching for the one that drives my curiosity while my yearning is fulfilled by the touch of his generosity.
No one has ever intrigued me from a distance like such a man; a term used lightly due to my recent experiences..
The Master created a perfect piece of art the day he created this human. The ambiance of perfection, reflection, and expectation is within the very reach of my heart's demand.
Welcome Back....
It has been almost a year since I have written anything on my blog. I stopped writing for various reasons and a lot of it had to do with distractions in life. The worry about if my soul mate would ever find me; how to raise a boy into a man (especially when there was no consistent example in my own life); wondering what the next phase of my life would look like; understanding and learning who I am; teaching and training the next generation (who seem to have given up on making it on their own); realizing who are my friends and who can't be trusted; etc etc etc.
Since July 27, 2010 so much has happened in my life. To begin with I changed careers. YES....I left the television world and ventured into my true calling which is to teach. This first year as a teacher was not has bad as many had said it could be; however, it was no cake walk by far. I love my school and I love where God has placed me. I am also blown away how God ordered my steps in order to get me to the place I needed to be in order to fulfill my calling as a teacher. The relationships I build with those students will last a lifetime. The impact I had on them in just my first year was amazing and I know it was no one but God who allowed it to come to pass. So for that alone I am truly grateful and humble for the opportunity.
The fall of 2010 was not so good. I lost my grandmother in October and that was by far the hardest thing I have endured in a long time. I felt like there was so much more I needed to accomplish and I needed her to be here to witness it. I fell into a state of depression for a while and I beat myself up because I felt like I wasted time and years doing nothing but running behind a man and I should have been focused on what was more important so that she could have been here to witness all of my accomplishments. Needless to say I was allowed freedom from that mindset and I have been pushing myself everyday to get things crossed off of my list. I miss her dearly and I know she is watching over me from heaven as I continue to follow Christ and become what God has created me to be which includes GREATNESS!
The New Year was a year of freedom /discipline...and a chance to walk into this world with my head held high and my confidence restored; then I was hit with another major blow. My dear childhood friend Kevin Reynolds passed away at 29 years old. This was becoming to much to take on, first my granny now one of my friends. It was hard to say the least to watch the casket close on someone I never thought I wouldn't see again. His passing gave me peace to know that despite all that he endured in life at the end of it all he gave himself to God and his journals were shared with us to see how his heart was pure before God before he was called home. Kevin's passing further made me realize that life is too short and it is not promised to any of us. What if God was to call me home...what on my list has been accomplished for him to say to me "well done thy good and faithful servant'? So I push myself to become a better woman, mother, wife, sister, friend, teacher, leader, writer, and all around person.
I have been enrolled in DBU for a year now and I have only 6 more classes to complete before I can walk across that stage. May 2012 cannot get here fast enough. I love what I am learning however being a teacher and a student at the same time is a lot of work but God has sustained me to make it through and I am too close to turn around.
I recently celebrated my 29th birthday and when I tell you that I have NEVER had a birthday like this one, I am telling you the truth. What I mean has nothing to do with the celebration I was able to have but the death I was able to experience. See a few days before my 29th birthday I had a heart attack....not physically but spiritually. I was weak, lonely, afraid, upset, and more. I laid across my bed and simply poured my heart out to God. I was not happy with where I was at in life and I felt a separation between God and me...which hurt because I could not get to him. This is what sin does to us. Sin separates us from God and I found that to be true this past month. I recently was involved with a young man who did not belong to God. I allowed him to sweet talk me and come around my friends...he played the perfect role of what I wanted on the outside but his heart was pure of malicious hate and pride. It took me a while to sit and listen to God inform me about this young man and then I began to see the signs and boy were those signs huge warnings. There were some things he would say and do that were not of God yet I ignored them because I had someone giving me attention and time. I had someone who would wine and dine me and would hold me when I wanted and who would simply talk to me...heck he even helped me with my homework. But he was not God's son...nor was he my husband. Come to find out he was still another woman's husband and father to three children...talk about a heart breaker. So I spent my time mad at God for allowing me to fall for such a man when in actuality He did no such thing...he actually was warning me to shut it down and cut it off asap. AND THANK GOD I DID! But that left a void and I felt miserable because now I felt like a failure and my hopes and dreams of ever being happily married to MY HUSBAND seemed so far away to almost none existent. So I threw a fit...I mean a major fit. But the day of my birthday God simply blew my mind at church and gave me a word that was so comforting to my spirit that I knew I would be OK. That day I sent him a text and told him he would never hear from me or see me again. I prayed for him and moved on. He called me weird and extra holy but that was fine. I WAS FREE OF HIM...that was a few weeks before my birthday.
I died on June 26, 2011...I died to the old Natalie and her old mindset and her old behaviors and her old ways of acting out and her old ways of making excuses and her old ways of blaming others for her own mishaps. That chick had to die and she is long gone. I can't really explain this feeling of dying to ones own self but I finally get it. Pastor Tim talked about this all the time yet I still did not fully understand. I thought I had died to myself because hey I was not clubbing like I use to, I was not smoking like I use to, I was not lying like I use to, I was not fighting like I use to, I was not having sex like I use to, I was not doing a lot of things like I use to....however spiritually I was still locked up in a state in which there was no freedom; just constant reminders about how I was raised to do things and handle situations. BUT GOD...released me from that slavery mindset and I have not looked back yet. SHE DOES NOT EXIST...SHE IS DEAD TO ME!
I cried out because I saw my mother, and my grandmothers, and my aunts, and my sister and my cousins. I saw women whose marriages had failed and I saw the pain on their faces that poured from their hearts, and THAT was the woman I did not want to become. Someone has to break the generational curse of failed marriages and bitter women in my family. I refuse, and I mean that with every ounce of my being, to become another woman in my family who simply did not make it. I want that agape love of God and I want him to send me a man that has a heart after his own. A man that is only for me and we will set the standard of marriage, family ,and unity for our children/grandchildren. For the first time we will be the names that our future generations celebrate at family reunions because it will all stem back to us and the love we have for each other and the love that we have for God. We will be the "Big Mama and Papa" that our grandchildren and their grandchildren reverence and speak highly of. We will set the standard of excellence and prestige because our family will know being average is not acceptable...just making it to survive is not in our blood...making excuses not to become great will not work. Our children will be able to stand on our shoulders and understand that they have to pick up where we left off and we won't leave them in poverty to start off. We won't leave them in foolishness and bitterness and old family secrets. No our children will know that their parents were GREAT and blessed beyond measure. Our children will have a real life example of what love is and what marriage is. Our sons will be able to see what makes a man a man and what a husband /father looks like. Our daughters will be able to see what makes a woman a lady and how a wife treats her husband and that a mother is a comforter and protector. We will be the first ones in our families to celebrate 50 years of marriage and 75 years of marriage. There is not one person in my immediate family who has accomplished this and that is unfortunate to me.
I am just excited about where God has brought me spiritually. I am excited for his WORD and how it continues to penetrate my heart. I am amazed at how God continues to blow my mind every single day with the things he has done thus far since my 29th birthday...even my smallest requests he has answered and that brings my heart joy and peace to know that my Daddy is listening to my every word. It also is a reminder that my words have life and what I speak from my heart does not fall on deaf ears. I am excited about what God is about to do in my life. The first 29 years have been hell with a few bright moments OH BUT GOD said my latter is greater and I am holding him to that!
Since July 27, 2010 so much has happened in my life. To begin with I changed careers. YES....I left the television world and ventured into my true calling which is to teach. This first year as a teacher was not has bad as many had said it could be; however, it was no cake walk by far. I love my school and I love where God has placed me. I am also blown away how God ordered my steps in order to get me to the place I needed to be in order to fulfill my calling as a teacher. The relationships I build with those students will last a lifetime. The impact I had on them in just my first year was amazing and I know it was no one but God who allowed it to come to pass. So for that alone I am truly grateful and humble for the opportunity.
The fall of 2010 was not so good. I lost my grandmother in October and that was by far the hardest thing I have endured in a long time. I felt like there was so much more I needed to accomplish and I needed her to be here to witness it. I fell into a state of depression for a while and I beat myself up because I felt like I wasted time and years doing nothing but running behind a man and I should have been focused on what was more important so that she could have been here to witness all of my accomplishments. Needless to say I was allowed freedom from that mindset and I have been pushing myself everyday to get things crossed off of my list. I miss her dearly and I know she is watching over me from heaven as I continue to follow Christ and become what God has created me to be which includes GREATNESS!
The New Year was a year of freedom /discipline...and a chance to walk into this world with my head held high and my confidence restored; then I was hit with another major blow. My dear childhood friend Kevin Reynolds passed away at 29 years old. This was becoming to much to take on, first my granny now one of my friends. It was hard to say the least to watch the casket close on someone I never thought I wouldn't see again. His passing gave me peace to know that despite all that he endured in life at the end of it all he gave himself to God and his journals were shared with us to see how his heart was pure before God before he was called home. Kevin's passing further made me realize that life is too short and it is not promised to any of us. What if God was to call me home...what on my list has been accomplished for him to say to me "well done thy good and faithful servant'? So I push myself to become a better woman, mother, wife, sister, friend, teacher, leader, writer, and all around person.
I have been enrolled in DBU for a year now and I have only 6 more classes to complete before I can walk across that stage. May 2012 cannot get here fast enough. I love what I am learning however being a teacher and a student at the same time is a lot of work but God has sustained me to make it through and I am too close to turn around.
I recently celebrated my 29th birthday and when I tell you that I have NEVER had a birthday like this one, I am telling you the truth. What I mean has nothing to do with the celebration I was able to have but the death I was able to experience. See a few days before my 29th birthday I had a heart attack....not physically but spiritually. I was weak, lonely, afraid, upset, and more. I laid across my bed and simply poured my heart out to God. I was not happy with where I was at in life and I felt a separation between God and me...which hurt because I could not get to him. This is what sin does to us. Sin separates us from God and I found that to be true this past month. I recently was involved with a young man who did not belong to God. I allowed him to sweet talk me and come around my friends...he played the perfect role of what I wanted on the outside but his heart was pure of malicious hate and pride. It took me a while to sit and listen to God inform me about this young man and then I began to see the signs and boy were those signs huge warnings. There were some things he would say and do that were not of God yet I ignored them because I had someone giving me attention and time. I had someone who would wine and dine me and would hold me when I wanted and who would simply talk to me...heck he even helped me with my homework. But he was not God's son...nor was he my husband. Come to find out he was still another woman's husband and father to three children...talk about a heart breaker. So I spent my time mad at God for allowing me to fall for such a man when in actuality He did no such thing...he actually was warning me to shut it down and cut it off asap. AND THANK GOD I DID! But that left a void and I felt miserable because now I felt like a failure and my hopes and dreams of ever being happily married to MY HUSBAND seemed so far away to almost none existent. So I threw a fit...I mean a major fit. But the day of my birthday God simply blew my mind at church and gave me a word that was so comforting to my spirit that I knew I would be OK. That day I sent him a text and told him he would never hear from me or see me again. I prayed for him and moved on. He called me weird and extra holy but that was fine. I WAS FREE OF HIM...that was a few weeks before my birthday.
I died on June 26, 2011...I died to the old Natalie and her old mindset and her old behaviors and her old ways of acting out and her old ways of making excuses and her old ways of blaming others for her own mishaps. That chick had to die and she is long gone. I can't really explain this feeling of dying to ones own self but I finally get it. Pastor Tim talked about this all the time yet I still did not fully understand. I thought I had died to myself because hey I was not clubbing like I use to, I was not smoking like I use to, I was not lying like I use to, I was not fighting like I use to, I was not having sex like I use to, I was not doing a lot of things like I use to....however spiritually I was still locked up in a state in which there was no freedom; just constant reminders about how I was raised to do things and handle situations. BUT GOD...released me from that slavery mindset and I have not looked back yet. SHE DOES NOT EXIST...SHE IS DEAD TO ME!
I cried out because I saw my mother, and my grandmothers, and my aunts, and my sister and my cousins. I saw women whose marriages had failed and I saw the pain on their faces that poured from their hearts, and THAT was the woman I did not want to become. Someone has to break the generational curse of failed marriages and bitter women in my family. I refuse, and I mean that with every ounce of my being, to become another woman in my family who simply did not make it. I want that agape love of God and I want him to send me a man that has a heart after his own. A man that is only for me and we will set the standard of marriage, family ,and unity for our children/grandchildren. For the first time we will be the names that our future generations celebrate at family reunions because it will all stem back to us and the love we have for each other and the love that we have for God. We will be the "Big Mama and Papa" that our grandchildren and their grandchildren reverence and speak highly of. We will set the standard of excellence and prestige because our family will know being average is not acceptable...just making it to survive is not in our blood...making excuses not to become great will not work. Our children will be able to stand on our shoulders and understand that they have to pick up where we left off and we won't leave them in poverty to start off. We won't leave them in foolishness and bitterness and old family secrets. No our children will know that their parents were GREAT and blessed beyond measure. Our children will have a real life example of what love is and what marriage is. Our sons will be able to see what makes a man a man and what a husband /father looks like. Our daughters will be able to see what makes a woman a lady and how a wife treats her husband and that a mother is a comforter and protector. We will be the first ones in our families to celebrate 50 years of marriage and 75 years of marriage. There is not one person in my immediate family who has accomplished this and that is unfortunate to me.
I am just excited about where God has brought me spiritually. I am excited for his WORD and how it continues to penetrate my heart. I am amazed at how God continues to blow my mind every single day with the things he has done thus far since my 29th birthday...even my smallest requests he has answered and that brings my heart joy and peace to know that my Daddy is listening to my every word. It also is a reminder that my words have life and what I speak from my heart does not fall on deaf ears. I am excited about what God is about to do in my life. The first 29 years have been hell with a few bright moments OH BUT GOD said my latter is greater and I am holding him to that!
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