Welcome Back....

It has been almost a year since I have written anything on my blog. I stopped writing for various reasons and a lot of it had to do with distractions in life. The worry about if my soul mate would ever find me; how to raise a boy into a man (especially when there was no consistent example in my own life); wondering what the next phase of my life would look like; understanding and learning who I am; teaching and training the next generation (who seem to have given up on making it on their own); realizing who are my friends and who can't be trusted; etc etc etc.


Since July 27, 2010 so much has happened in my life. To begin with I changed careers. YES....I left the television world and ventured into my true calling which is to teach. This first year as a teacher was not has bad as many had said it could be; however, it was no cake walk by far. I love my school and I love where God has placed me. I am also blown away how God ordered my steps in order to get me to the place I needed to be in order to fulfill my calling as a teacher. The relationships I build with those students will last a lifetime. The impact I had on them in just my first year was amazing  and I know it was no one but God who allowed it to come to pass. So for that alone I am truly grateful and humble for the opportunity.


The fall of 2010 was not so good. I lost my grandmother in October and that was by far the hardest thing I have endured in a long time. I felt like there was so much more I needed to accomplish and I needed her to be here to witness it. I fell into a state of depression for a while and I beat myself up because I felt like I wasted time and years doing nothing but running behind a man and I should have been focused on what was more important so that she could have been here to witness all of my accomplishments. Needless to say I was allowed freedom from that mindset and I have been pushing myself everyday to get things crossed off of my list.  I miss her dearly and I know she is watching over me from heaven as I continue to follow Christ and become what God has created me to be which includes GREATNESS!


The New Year was a year of freedom /discipline...and a chance to walk into this world with my head held high and my confidence restored; then I was hit with another major blow. My dear childhood friend Kevin Reynolds passed away at 29 years old. This was becoming to much to take on, first my granny now one of my friends. It was hard to say the least to watch the casket close on someone I never thought I wouldn't see again. His passing gave me peace to know that despite all that he endured in life at the end of it all he gave himself to God and his journals were shared with us to see how his heart was pure before God before he was called home. Kevin's passing further made me realize that life is too short and it is not promised to any of us. What if God was to call me home...what on my list has been accomplished for him to say to me "well done thy good and faithful servant'? So I push myself to become a better woman, mother, wife, sister, friend, teacher, leader, writer, and all around person.


I have been enrolled in DBU for a year now and I have only 6 more classes to complete before I can walk across that stage. May 2012 cannot get here fast enough. I love what I am learning however being a teacher and a student at the same time is a lot of work but God has sustained me to make it through and I am too close to turn around.


I recently celebrated my 29th birthday and when I tell you that I have NEVER had a birthday like this one, I am telling you the truth. What I mean has nothing to do with the celebration I was able to have but the death I was able to experience. See a few days before my 29th birthday I had a heart attack....not physically but spiritually. I was weak, lonely, afraid, upset, and more. I laid across my bed and simply poured my heart out to God. I was not happy with where I was at in life and I felt a separation between God and me...which hurt because I could not get to him. This is what sin does to us. Sin separates us from God and I found that to be true this past month. I recently was involved with a young man who did not belong to God. I allowed him to sweet talk me and come around my friends...he played the perfect role of what I wanted on the outside but his heart was pure of malicious hate and pride. It took me a while to sit and listen to God inform me about this young man and then I began to see the signs and boy were those signs huge warnings. There were some things he would say and do that were not of God yet I ignored them because I had someone giving me attention and time. I had someone who would wine and dine me and would hold me when I wanted and who would simply talk to me...heck he even helped me with my homework. But he was not God's son...nor was he my husband. Come to find out he was still another woman's husband and father to three children...talk about a heart breaker. So I spent my time mad at God  for allowing me to fall for such a man when in actuality He did no such thing...he actually was warning me to shut it down and cut it off asap. AND THANK GOD I DID! But that left a void and I felt miserable because now I felt like a failure and my hopes and dreams of ever being happily married to MY HUSBAND seemed so far away to almost none existent. So I threw a fit...I mean a major fit. But the day of my birthday God simply blew my mind at church and gave me a word that was so comforting to my spirit that I knew I would be OK. That day I sent him a text and told him he would never hear from me or see me again. I prayed for him and moved on. He called me weird and extra holy but that was fine. I WAS FREE OF HIM...that was a few weeks before my birthday.


I died on June 26, 2011...I died to the old Natalie and her old mindset and her old behaviors and her old ways of acting out and her old ways of making excuses and her old ways of blaming others for her own mishaps. That chick had to die and she is long gone. I can't really explain this feeling of dying to ones own self but I finally get it. Pastor Tim talked about this all the time yet I still did not fully understand. I thought I had died to myself because hey I was not clubbing like I use to, I was not smoking like I use to, I was not lying like I use to, I was not fighting like I use to, I was not having sex like I use to, I was not doing a lot of things like I use to....however spiritually I was still locked up in a state in which there was no freedom; just constant reminders about how I was raised to do things and handle situations. BUT GOD...released me from that slavery mindset and I have not looked back yet. SHE DOES NOT EXIST...SHE IS DEAD TO ME!


I cried out because I saw my mother, and my grandmothers, and my aunts, and my sister and my cousins. I saw women whose marriages had failed and  I saw the pain on their faces that poured from their hearts, and THAT was the woman I did not want to become. Someone has to break the generational curse of failed marriages and bitter women in my family. I refuse, and I mean that with every ounce of my being, to become another woman in my family who simply did not make it. I want that agape love of God and I want him to send me a man that has a heart after his own. A man that is only for me and we will set the standard of marriage, family ,and unity for our children/grandchildren. For the first time we will be the names that our future generations celebrate at family reunions because it will all stem back to us and the love we have for each other and the love that we have for God. We will be the "Big Mama and Papa" that our grandchildren and their grandchildren reverence and speak highly of. We will set the standard of excellence and prestige because our family will know being average is not acceptable...just making it to survive is not in our blood...making excuses not to become great will not work. Our children will be able to stand on our shoulders and understand that they have to pick up where we left off and we won't leave them in poverty to start off. We won't leave them in foolishness and bitterness and old family secrets. No our children will know that their parents were GREAT and blessed beyond measure. Our children will have a real life example of what love is and what marriage is. Our sons will be able to see what makes a man a man and what a husband /father looks like. Our daughters will be able to see what makes a woman a lady and how a wife treats her husband and that a mother is a comforter and protector. We will be the first ones in our families to celebrate 50 years of marriage and 75 years of marriage. There is not one person in my immediate family who has accomplished this and that is unfortunate to me.


I am just excited about where God has brought me spiritually. I am excited for his WORD and how it continues to penetrate my heart. I am amazed at how God continues to blow my mind every single day with the things he has done thus far since my 29th birthday...even my smallest requests he has answered and that brings my heart joy and peace to know that my Daddy is listening to my every word. It also is a reminder that my words have life and what I speak from my heart does not fall on deaf ears. I am excited about what God is about to do in my life. The first 29 years have been hell with a few bright moments OH BUT GOD said my latter is greater and I am holding him to that!